This wild child o'mine

Its 3am and I am standing at the second floor landing outside the bedrooms. For some strange reason, I've got Besame Mucho running through my head and I am swaying in time to it. I am half-asleep on my feet. Trinity is heavy in my arms, her head flopping over my shoulder. But she's not asleep. Not yet at least.

When I try to tiptoe back into the bedroom, she snaps awake, an arm pointing in a vague unspecified direction and she's going: "there! there!"

And if I don't move in that direction fast enough, her persistent "there!" will escalate into a shrill, full-blown tantrum.

Its happened before.

Actually, its been happening every night for the past week already. Ever since we came back from Japan, she's had very bad screaming tantrums - first taking place in the daytime - Lolita says it happens before and after her afternoon naps (I had the 'pleasure' of experiencing this one Sunday afternoon where she literally screamed for 2hours non-stop, until we missed the ALF gathering in the Jacob Ballas garden!). This stopped when we went to Malaysia. But when we came back, so did the tantrums. This time though, they're taking place at night - middle of the night.

I cannot begin to say how frustrated, angry, fed up I feel whenever she goes into one of these tailspins. Nothing calms her. Nothing distracts her. She just screams. On and on and on. I don't know what she wants and I don't know how to help her. At the same time, I am greatly resentful that she's eating into my sleep.

Two nights ago I was so angry that I smacked her hard on her bottom and told KH: That's it! I'm either killing her or putting her up for adoption!

Not that this did any good. She seemed to understand what I said and howled and screamed louder than ever - and this was at 4am in the morning.

KH says I was not fast enough to give her the breast. But on the contrary, the breast was already in her mouth when she started to pull away, push at me with her legs, point and say: "there! there!" When I tried to offer her the breast again, she pushed and said: "No, no!" So I don't know what is the issue, and whatever it is, even the breast no longer solves it.

We're living on eggshells. I find myself tensing up at night at her slightest movement. Not surprising that I have not been sleeping well at night and nodding off during the day.

More and more I am beginning to suspect that she's got some kind of development or speech delay. Her storehouse of words is woefully limited. Whenever I look at milestone development tables I always feel a bit depressed - especially when I realise that she fits the description of a 12month - 18month old baby than the 2 to 3yr toddler description! But more than anything, it is this latest spate of tantrums that is leaving us exhausted both physically and in spirit. The tantrums, I fear, could stem from a fundamental delay or disorder somewhere - because if a child lacks words, how to communicate? And this kind of frustration would compound any tantrum - because it boils down to the fact that I just don't get what the heck she wants.

I always feel very resentful at having to struggle with her and I resent feeling like I am kept hostage by her demands. For instance there was one night when she insisted I bring her to the dining table to nurse. Less than five minutes later, she's pulled off the boob and pointing to the sofa and tugging me saying "nen-nen" agitatedly. So we go over. Again, less than a minute later, she's off and pointing at the study room and off we go again.

Some babies are so easy to love and some babies make it near impossible. When she's happy and compliant, wow - she's an angel, lovely to play with, cuddle etc. But when she starts to demand - better cave or else.

I've been an authoritarian parent with #1 and #2, and a more 'attachment parenting style' with #3 and #4. But with #5, how to practise this? We've been 'attached' since birth but now how? How to dish out 'positive discipline' when a kid is screaming into your ear? There is no reasoning with her. The best we can do is second guess and try to head her off when she starts showing the familiar signs before losing control. I also wonder - if there is no authoritative boundary, where does she get off? Will that make it scarier for her in the long run? And losing moral authority for me - how will that work out in the longer term if I keep giving in just to keep the peace?

While I know that parenting isn't about winning or losing or showing a child who is 'boss', I do find it hard to accept that this child is calling all the shots and that I, and the whole household, all of us are practically held to ransom for fear of setting off another screaming bout. Dr James Dobson says that parents should not be afraid to show authority. He dismisses positive discipline. So what should I do?

On top of that, what are my feelings? For a start, I deeply, deeply resent all this - I feel angry that I have to cater to all her demands. If her demands at least made sense to me, maybe I wouldn't feel so angry, but they all just seem so pointless - to me at least. The bottomline is: if you don't give her what she wants, she screams. And once she gets going, nothing gets her to stop - we tried changing hands, playing her favourite music (High School Musical 2 soundtrack), the breast, bringing her out for a walk in the neighbourhood (no good - you'd hear her howls all the way!), her brothers and sisters try giving her toys etc, nope - nothing works. Everybody tries but nothing works. I've even tried 'extinguishing' the behaviour by just ignoring her - so she lies there on the floor, writhing and screaming, sobbing until she's gulping for air, eyes swollen. But in the end, I've still had to give in and carry her. Its heartrending to watch. And I feel conflicted too - angry because of the behaviour, helpless, sad to watch her in such a state.

I just don't know what to do.

KH is on tenterhooks with her too. He told me during lunch today: I thought you handled Trin very well this morning. I was awake. Did you think I wasn't? When she moved, I was already awake. I was hoping she wouldn't scream - lucky you carried her before she went off!

Hmph. Lucky for who? I think sourly.

Which brings me back to where I started in this post - 3am and walking the floor with a tantrummy baby. I hope things will get better. In desperation, I bought a book from Borders on Sunday: Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.

I don't know if it will work. Somehow most parenting books talk about dealing with tantrums when the kids are older - 4 or 5? Hardly anyone talks about dealing with non-verbal 2-year-olds in a tantrum. But never say never. I'm desperate enough to give it a go.

Next on the cards - an assessment from a speech therapist AND a visit to the polyclinic to get a referral to KKH's Child Development Unit. I know I will be nagged about the vaccinations (lack of) but this is the last thing on my mind now. What is more important is to find out what the heck is going on and to do something about it. Fast.