Hey speaking of Hi5. Anyone been watching the latest episodes lately?

I've noticed that the girls, Kathleen, Kelly and Charlie are ALL putting on weight - the most obviously plump pigeon being Kelly. Nicely rounded that one!

And I am happy with that - that for once, we are not bombarded with images of skinny celebs obsessed with weight loss and there are healthily plump yet good looking role models on TV.
Dunno abt you but I was shocked when I saw RuiEn during the NDP telecast - she was stick-thin! And with all the hoopla/ads abt losing weight in the media, celeb endorsements etc, I wonder what messages are being sent to the girls these days.

Just saw an obviously anorexic girl with her harassed-looking mother at KKH the other day - and wah lau, she was THIN!

So kudos to the girls on Hi5 for being healthily fleshy yet not overweight. And to the people at Dove for the great ads on the real woman's bodies! We need to learn to be comfy in our own skin and not try to look like laundry poles.

I can still see the tear-stained face and hear the frantic howls as my 2yr-old son struggled in the arms of my helper and my MIL, straining for me to hold him and not leave. This morning was particularly bad. Also because he looked extra cute and endearing in his giraffe PJs. He does not listen as I pacify: "Just for a while, baby. Mummy will be home in the evening okay?"

It never gets easier and always, always tears at the very core of me. I'm sure every working mom feels like this. Although I am already working 2.5days a week, when I do leave for the office, the howls never fail to get to me.

And with those come the self-recriminating thoughts: bad mummy! negligent mummy! Oh the guilt... and the fervent wishes that I didn't have to leave.

And yet, conflictingly, when I am at home and busy with emails, research, and he comes padding up the stairs and calling: "Please mummy, I want nen-nen!" I cringe and flinch and say: "There's no more nen-nen" or "It hurts mummy to give you nen-nen now!"

Then I think: Ok, true that the nipples are still sore thanks to pregnancy and Ok, true that there is no more milk, but aren't I a bad mommy for denying this baby his comfort? Why aren't I practising what I preach about the wonders of child-led weaning? Why aren't I excited about extended breastfeeding and tandem nursing? Bad mummy! negligent mummy! Selfish mummy!

Then I usually sigh and say, "OK, ok come up here and nurse but just for a while!"

Then he's happy again. And as I latch him on, I mutter: needles, needles, take deep breath. OUCH!

There's no latching him off of course, the guy inevitably falls asleep at the breast. And then I guess it doesn't matter anymore whether I am a bad mummy or not.

Spent yesterday slogging away at the PC working on my assignment for the grad dip. Was tearing my hair out after reading academic paper after academic paper on genetic sex testing and selective abortion and the whole ethics of it. Didn't help that the whole assignment comprised of questions that stretched for pages and I only have less than a month to complete this and send this off to Aus! On top of that, it was bloody hot - which made me sleepy! And the baby was so active, moving around inside the whole time. Admitted to KH and Cory that I was so dispirited abt the whole thing - never mind getting a distinction, I just want to pass and forget abt it!

Then in the evening, a nice surprise. The post came and with it, my marked assignment back from Aus. This was on Pregnancy, a paper which stretched to almost 100 pgs and one I completed recently after a one-year hiatus from the course. I didn't think I would do well with this. So imagine my surprise and pleasure when I saw my grade and realised they'd given me a HD - High Distinction! Now that made my day! Especially when I read through the comments attached to every answer and saw that Elaine (my examiner) had written 'fantastic answer!' next to my piece on breastfeeding obstacles.

Am I gloating now? Oh boy yes! Do I have the right to gloat - hell yes! Let me explain why.

This is a graduate diploma - which means that one would have to have a prior qualification eg a degree in a related field eg nutrition, lactation, midwifery etc. I don't. I don't even have a degree. So I had to come into the course as a special entry student, given conditional entry and only allowed to stay if I demonstrated I could handle the material taught by passing two of the written assignments. I did. So they let me stay. It hasn't been easy to grapple with the material though. And generally, for the other assignments I have been graded with credits with one scoring just one mark short of a distinction. So the last thing I expected this time was to get a HD! I am SO over the moon.

For so many reasons, I am determined to do well in this course. (1) I am the only Singaporean here (2) I want my family to be proud of me, since I do not have a basic degree (3) distance learning is tough - especially when you have so many children and hold down a job as well but I am determined to prove I can do it - chalk it down to stubborn pride! (4) this holds the key to a new career for me and the chance to be my own boss doing something which I love, so I cannot give up no matter how tough it's going to get. (5) this qualification matters because it is the only CBE course accreditted by a govt. The only other local alternative is self-accreditted. And doing well and getting this qualification tells me at least that I have gone through and passed a rigorous training programme and am well qualified then to teach. I would not feel ready otherwise with other courses and would feel as if I am shortchanging the people I teach.

Next stop, the workshop in Sydney, then exams in Jan, supervised teaching phase, observations etc...

But for now, yes... just give me a couple of days to gloat and float...

I walk to the lift and I hear someone walking so close to me that he or it is practically on my heels. There is a snuffling breathing. I am afraid to turn my head and wonder if I am being paranoid - this being the seventh month and all.

As I walk, I am sure I sense someone walking behind me. The footfalls seem to mirror mine. But I still don't turn back - why? Because you know what they say: in the seventh month, never, whatever you do, never ever turn back when you sense something or someone following you. Or calling your name.

So I don't. I keep walking though the hair at the back of my neck is standing.

At the lift lobby, something red flashes by me and I give a jerk back in fear. Turns out to be a guy wearing a red sweatshirt. He was behind me the whole time. OK, I almost never talk to students - never really had to interact with them since I am not a lecturer. But now, in my relief I wag a finger and tell him: You gave me a fright! Don't you know never to sneak up on a pregnant woman? And never, ever in the seventh month!

He looks at my big belly and says, not comprehending: I'm sorry, I didn't know you were seven months pregnant.

I go: I am, but that is besides the point. Don't you know anything about the seventh month??

The boy shakes his head - poor guy, don't they teach them these juicy fun bits in school anymore??

I end up giving him a mini-lecture on chinese culture and the seventh month. All the way down to the first floor. He forgot to get off at 3rd. ;-)

Thanks Kelvin Tong, for those scary trailers on The Maid. Yep, I can sure sleep easy now.

And no problem, it will just take my chicken-hearted 9-year-old son maybe a couple more weeks before he can watch your trailer without his fingers covering his eyes.

Well, been toying with the idea of a blog for some time. But then always stopped because I read too many funny, hip, cool entries and think I can only be boring. Who would want to read about me?

Then I think: I need to vent and the whiteness of the page is a safe place to do this.

So here I am.

This will replace the diaries and journals I kept since I was 13. There is some safety in anonymity. Or am i being naive? Or just my ostrich self sticking my head into the ground. There I go - navel gazing again.

I think too much.

I'm in the office, punching away at this keyboard. Braxton Hicks contractions are going nice and tight. The baby is no longer hiccuping. It was just a couple of minutes ago. When you're more than 7months pg, all-the-time is the right time to head for the loo. Too much ribena.

Apparently I also drink too much. : )