Monday, April 20, 2009

Perfectly imperfect

KH bought me a 16GB Creative Zen on Sunday. So this is my new toy. Very excited about it and still trying to figure this out. But 16GB is a big improvement over my current player which is only a 1GB baby. So many possibilities! Now the kids are elbowing each other trying to be in pole position to inherit my 1GB player. I'd mentioned that I was running out of space on my player and my new fascination with K-pop and K-dramas meant that I was looking for something that would allow me to store my favourite K-drama scenes and K-pop videos. It was just a passing comment but KH noted that and on Sunday, he made it a point for all of us to go to the Creative store at Marina Square.

KH has been very sweet lately. Not just because of my new toy, but he's turned a tolerant blind eye on my latest craze for K-dramas. I think he can be exasperated by my antics - buying the umpteenth box set, blasting K-pop in the car, pulling all-nighters (I lasted till 3am once and he gamely sat with me to watch) and generally neglecting our children for the gogglebox. But I give him full credit for not scolding me for it or being scathing about it and taking interest in what I am watching. And then there are our Saturday brekkies in the park. I look forward to those. Actually I look forward to our daily brekkies when we go to work in the morning after we send the kids off to school.

Also he gets my deep emotional thanks for being there over the past few days when I've been crouching over our toilet bowl, puking endlessly. He was sweet enough to take me home from work in the middle of the morning last week when I puked four times in a row, send me to the doctor, stroke my back when I retched and retched and then taking the rest of the day off, making sure I took my meds and keeping the kids away from me. He did the same again yesterday when I was still violently sick. I guess when a guy can see you at your worst - and how elegant can puking over a toilet bowl be huh? - and still care for you, I guess it's gotta be love huh?

The MCYS ad making its rounds these days - depicting a woman's deep love for her husband through her moving eulogy made me teary more than once - in fact every time I see it. How many of us can see past all the imperfections? And I'm not talking about the snoring or the 'rear wind action' either. Though, with KH, I get plenty of that! Made me think what I would say about KH in a eulogy. And that made me reflect on my life with KH.

This blog has seen me through a time when I was very low and found marriage hard-going. Good friends will know exactly what I mean. I spent months in a funk. Contemplating painful and once unimaginable impossible scenarios. But you know what? I'm glad I did. Doing that was good for me. The very exercise itself threw open possibilities and scenarios that I walked myself through, and having done so, I know exactly what I could or could not do. What I could let go of, and what I could not. The knowledge gave me strength and peace of mind. And then days passed, then weeks, and the funk eased off. I saw things in a better light. Didn't happen overnight. Took me a long long time.

Today, a friend emailed me about how hard she was finding it - marriage.

Here's my take. I think we walk on life roads that take us through valleys and peaks. And right now, this is her valley. But it's not necessarily bad to be in the valley for a while. Sometimes, we just have to hang on for the ride. I did that. And I think I have emerged from that dark period - and I say this cautiously because I do not want to over-reach myself - with the certainty that while I can certainly live without KH and life will go on, life would be far, infinitely far less rich or complete without him. As I sat on my porch last night, I think of all that has come and gone - my life with KH, that MCYS ad, the K-dramas I watch, even Richard's death, everything came together in one jumbled mess and my only coherent thought is - I'm glad I hung on.

I don't say that to everyone. I don't believe all marriages are made in heaven and meant to last forever. Sometimes it would really be for the better for people to part ways. But I also think that these days, maybe most people give up very easily. The imperfections overwhelm. Or maybe that wall of pride is just insurmountable.

I'm not the best person for marital advice. But here's my two cents. I think there are people who are worth hanging on for and some who are better let go. Some whose paths are just utterly divergent from yours - you know then that perhaps its best to go separate ways. But there are some whose paths start out the same, deviate a little, take the scenic route but ultimately have the same destination as yours - those are worth keeping right? Worth hanging on for the ride - even though the ride might be scary and too fast for your liking and you feel as though you are in danger of being flung off.

For this second group - even with the most ferocious 'rear wind action' - you know you should hang on to them for dear life. I guess KH falls into this group for me. We've had our tough times. I'm sure we would have equally challenging times ahead. And no matter how I rant and rage, how many tantrums I throw on this blog about him from time to time, KH is still someone worth hanging on to for dear life. I actually think he's a much better person than I am. Maybe if I hang around him more, this might just rub off on me.

In case you're wondering, KH does not read this blog. And I am not the most emotionally expressive person around. We're both gruff recipients when it comes to mush and I cannot remember the last time we even told each other those three little words (which I think are over-rated anyway!). KH would probably roll his eyes! So if anyone has suggestions on how I can tell KH all this - without being too mushy, maudlin or sentimental, post it!


Anonymous said...

Thank you, Pat. I'm tearing as I write this. I'm hanging on.

Cory said...

good for you, pat.

sigh. i'm doing ok...