Me? A breastfeeding nazi?

Okay, I will be the first to say it - I believe in breastfeeding. I totally absolutely support it and I like to think that I walk the talk. I don't love it though, but I believe in it. Out of five babes, I have nursed three. While it hasn't been the wonderful earth-shaking emotional bonding experience some have touted it to be, I believe it is just the normal way for human babies to be fed and I believe that every baby has the right to human milk from the nursing experience.

Why is this surfacing here in the blog? Because I am working out my feelings and blogging helps me work out the kinks in my thoughts/emotions.

Over the last week and the weekend, several posts were logged in AP. A mother was wondering if she should give semi-solids to her baby. She was fretting about a 400g lag in weight, that her child was only in the 25th percentile. Underlining this was pressure from external quarters to have her baby plumped up more than he is now and hence, the reasoning that breastmilk was not sufficient enough to promote that kind of growth.

I don't know this woman. But from what I read, gut feel said this was not an issue of weight, or baby's wellbeing alone, but support (or lack of it) that this mother was getting. My guess was she was being worn down by the negativity towards breastfeeding and she is second-guessing her decision to breastfeed her baby.

Initially I wasn't inclined to jump in. AP had loads of these queries and the same information had been given out many times over. (I always wonder why people don't read the archives before posting!) But then out came a post from two mothers, both of whom claim to be pro-breastfeeding. But both, in the long and short of it, said okay, don't feel bad about not breastfeeding. Since, I thought, there are mothers who are encouraging her to stop, I felt that she should be given enough information on the other side of the coin.

So in I jumped, gave all the information on the sterility of the gut, the porosity of gut lining before 6 months of age, the physiological reason why breastmilk was necessary in the first 6 months etc. Other mom came back with Dr Jack Newman's handout, reiterated she was pro-breastfeeding but again said it was okay to give semi-solids. The reference to Dr Jack Newman seemed to imply that he thought it was okay, so it has to be okay!

Call me anal, but to me, it was not a question of opinion but fact. I read Dr Jack Newman carefully again, and clearly while semi-solids was preferable to formula supplementation, it was recommended in cases where the weight lag was significant, and after all measures to promote milk supply and the continuity of the nursing relationship had failed. So I posted this again.

Back came the reply and there was a whole barrage of other replies by then which went along the lines of "its her decision" (I never said it was not!) "don't let other people pressure you to nurse if thats what you don't want to do" etc, that the parenting relationship went beyond just breastfeeding, that one should "enjoy the baby" and if breastfeeding was causing tension in the equation, then it was not wrong to take breastfeeding out of the equation totally and she should not feel bad for doing so. (I have a problem with the last bit - read on)

Long and short of it is, I felt a bit gobsmacked at the reaction. Did everyone think me an unfeeling heel for giving the facts - as if in some indirect way, the information I gave was 'pressuring' her to continue breastfeeding. I read the response to me, and the other responses to the group and I felt as if I was deemed the local breastfeeding nazi - someone who would push aggressively for breastfeeding against all odds. Am I really a breastfeeding nazi? Or am I reading too much into this? Just being too sensitive? Did I really exert pressure for this mother to breastfeed? Should I have tempered my responses with similar platitudes about "breastfeeding is not everything etc"? To be honest I felt a bit hurt and unappreciated. But when I thought harder about it, I recognised it more as my need to belong surfacing again than any direct criticism. Here I go again - feeling lousy because I did not move with the crowd, and I stood out like a sore thumb. Urgh. Need to work on that.

I'm not the touchy-feely sort and I am inclined to be blunt and to call a spade a spade. But perhaps that does not sit well with everyone. I've been told this before but clearly I never learn. Couple of ways I can go from here - I can beat a hasty retreat, not post on AP for a long time, lie low, and if I ever do post, then be careful to sound solicitiously supportive and sugarcoat my facts. The other way is to ignore and move on - and to weave a thicker skin about me so I won't be so easily stung by the opinions and perceptions of others (hence negating the need for angsty-naval-gazing posts such as this). And not feel low because I did not get crowd approval. In other words, don't live with my version of the AC Nielson ratings! I need to believe in myself and in what I say - if I think this is valid and valuable information I am giving, then stand firm - why let a lack of popularity cloud the issue? And if people don't like to hear it, that's okay.

I believe in breastfeeding. I believe in giving mothers the facts. I don't believe in judging their motives for breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. I have my own personal convictions about this and very often, they do not agree with many mothers'. But I don't intend to convert people into breastfeeding supporters. But neither do I want to compromise my views on this issue.

I can't and won't sugarcoat facts. I can't and won't say inane things like "Enjoying your baby is more important than breastfeeding." Simply because I think those are two entirely different issues. This may sound very harsh but I think babies are not born for us to 'enjoy'. They are not toys nor possessions. We have a huge responsibility to do what is right for them. Hard though it may be at times. That includes breastfeeding. And the commitment to do so - to give them what is normal and right for them. And if one can't or won't give the commitment, then at least be honest about it - and then blame not the lactivists for any guilt that one might have.

Breastfeeding is not a smooth ride. Yes, women do face problems - but more often than not, these problems are fixable. Not talking about those rare physiological cases where breastfeeding is not physically possible. I am talking about women who can nurse, have the capacity to do so, but are finding it tough going.

I think sometimes, if breastfeeding seems like an issue, the root of it may stem not from the baby, nor from breastfeeding, but from ourselves. So we fix the problem, not by taking away the nursing relationship, but by being honest with ourselves, asking the hard questions about our motives and feelings on nursing. And if those answers come up against the devil and the deep blue sea, then so be it. If we decide that breastfeeding is not for us, then there is no guilt. Why should there be?

Breastfeeding is a very touchy landmine of emotions. It's got all the drama, the angst, the chest-beating guilt etc. I've been through this. I've been on the other side of the camp where I did not breastfeed and thought all breastfeeding mothers were supercilious heartless activists who loved to slather on the guilt to non-breastfeeding mother. I said so to assuage my guilt for my own lack of honesty.

But over the years, thanks to my long journey, I believe that you can bring a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I believe that success is defined by ourselves. How or what is breastfeeding success, boils down to a mother's attitude and convictions. Women breastfeed for all sorts of socio-emotional reasons - good for baby, to please someone, to be seen as a 'good mother', personal satisfaction, for a sense of achievement etc. And that's fine, as long as they are honest about it to themselves.

I hope the mom who posted the original question will be honest - to herself at least. I think there may be other issues going on that we may not know about, and really, there is no need for us to know. But she's got to be honest with herself. The support, when it comes from the community, should be to encourage her honesty and respect her choice. Not just give inane sweet talk to whitewash any conflicting guilt that she may feel.