Temptation and sibling loyalty

It all started two days ago with a commotion at the gate.

Gillan came in to tell me that their neighbour friend Melvin had come a-knocking, demanding Isaac to return one of his 'powerful' Duel Master cards. Apparently, Gillian told me, Isaac had taken it, pocketed it and now denied that he ever had it. But both his sisters had witnessed the card falling out of his pocket some days earlier, and saw him picking it up and keeping it.

I cornered Isaac about it. First, the issue was: "I thought I banned you from playing with these wretched cards! I thought I confiscated all of them!" So crime number 1 was to sneak into my wardrobe where I had left the contraband cards and remove them - defiance and disobedience. Crime number two was of course the taking of a card that did not belong to him. That, I said firmly, is theft.

I gave him a tongue-lashing and told him to "make it right." I did not approve of those Duel Masters cards - they distracted him from work, distracted him even from reading as he would often just lay the cards out and play against himself, and even when he was not doing anything, he would take out his cards and flip through them. To add to that, I did not like the illustrations on those cards - we're not talking cute pokemon type illustrations here, but realistic frightening depictions of dragons, monsters and ghouls. So one fine day I got so exasperated by this mindless fixation on the cards that I banned them once and for all.

So I was angry that he had disobeyed me and defied my ban, sneaked in and retrieved his cards. But I was angrier that he had been tempted enough to take a card that did not belong to him and to deny it. I pointed out how one sin often leads to another, and very often, snowballs to bigger things. And by the time one is done, one has left behind a whole avalanche of sadness and anger that affects more and more people. By sneaking around, he had betrayed my trust. To cover up theft, he had lied. And by taking from Melvin, he had lost a friend's trust and respect. Was it worth it? More than any punishment I could dole out, was it worth living like this and feeling as rotten as this?

So my son went back out to the gate, I heard an inaudible chatter of voices - Gillian was also there. And finally, the said card was returned to its rightful owner. When they came back in, I read him a lecture and once again, peace returned. And yes, I banned him AGAIN from those wretched cards promising dire consequences if I ever caught him with them.

The next day, part two of the drama unfolded. This time, I was at work. Isaac called me in tears, hiccuping away over the phone. For him to call me to complain about any sibling, first of all, was rare. For him to be so distressed to be incoherent, was even rarer. Not even when I ticked him off last night was he so upset. So seeing his state, I took this seriously.

The gist of the story was that Gillian had called his beloved cousin to prattle tales about what had happened re the Duel Master card saga the night before. So now my boy is hurt, embarrassed and mortified that his cousin would now see him in such an awful light. Isaac's feet of clay were clearly revealed.

I comforted him as best I could and gave Gillian a brief piece of my mind for the time being. I had to work late that night and could leave the office only at 8pm. KH, Gillian and Fishball came to pick me up. We went for supper and during supper, we talked about it.

I was not angry, but I felt that there were a few points I really needed to put across to her. KH listened quietly as I spoke.

First, I drew her attention to her brother's distress, pointing out that he rarely got into such a state and the fact that he did obviously showed how much her actions had hurt and affected him. I explained how much Isaac valued being seen in a good light by a cousin whom he liked very much, who by her prattling, would never see Isaac in the same light again. In a way, it was innocence lost for both Isaac and his cousin. I asked if she would enjoy it if her siblings revelled in a bad situation she was in and enjoyed telling the whole world about it. She would be as humiliated as Isaac was. I reminded her of a similar incident that involved Caitlin. Then, as it was now, I understood how hurt she felt. Everyone had laughed at her and even KH had thought Cait was just being too sensitive. But I understood. It hurt to the very core.

I reminded Gillian that her first loyalty went to her siblings and her parents. Not to her friends, her cousins or any part of the extended family which includes grandparents, aunts etc. We had to come first. The circle closes inwards first. Because if push comes to shove, we will be ones to close ranks for her. And likewise, I hoped she would do the same to protect, not hurt, her siblings. They have to look out for each other, not pull each other down. Loyalty is a concept which I strongly believe in - and more than anyone, I know how much it hurts when loyalty is not returned. In a large family like ours, it was more important than ever to be loyal to each other.

She listened and nodded. I liked it that we had a civil conversation like this. Just talking, sharing thoughts without me exploding. Gillian is intrinsically a good girl, just thoughtless at times. But her heart is in the right place mostly. She told me that she'd already apologised to Isaac in the afternoon and he had forgiven her. I said I was happy she'd taken the initiative to do so and happy that they're on better terms.

Later when we reached home, I asked Isaac casually, so how are you? And he said, I'm okay now. Gillian and I squared things up.

Okay, I nodded and gave him a hug. He had gotten a lash of the cane from his daddy on the same issue earlier in the evening when I was not around. KH had come to know of this incident and interrogated his son. So the real story was that Isaac had defied me, gone to play with Melvin. Melvin unknowingly dropped his card in the giant fern in our garden. Isaac did not wilfully take it from Melvin. He had found it, intending to return it to Melvin. But for some reason (my guess is that he was tempted), he pocketed it and did not return it and instead left it on the pillar of our gate (strange boy!). So no doubt Gillian got the story wrong and wrongly accused her brother of taking Melvin's card, but KH still gave Isaac a lash of the cane because it was still wrong - he should have returned it and not kept it. It was still dishonest.

Do I worry that my kids will grow up to be felons? Ah well... I still think my kids are essentially good kids. But this incident just highlights how temptation can sometimes get the better of us and how much havoc a bad decision can wreak. I just hope they've learnt something from this whole saga and will be the better and wiser for the experience. Meanwhile this mom needs a break from playing Justice Bao all the time! NATAS tomorrow!