Hint hint

Had a meeting last week with both my bosses - BigBoss (BB) and JuniorBoss (JB). Ostensibly to discuss my work performance - it was appraisal time. So BB did most of the talking. Said he recognised my performance even though I was not on 100% (!!) because I was working half-time instead of full-time. He said I was not being 'utilised' the way I should be. But nevertheless, he recognised it and gave me a slightly higher increment than the norm. Well thanks! He also took the opportunity to hint, actually he came right out and said it: I've been patient for 3 to 4 years already, supporting your part-time work scheme. But it would be easier for us if you came back. No pressure, no pressure! Still, it would be nice if you could talk to your husband, talk to your family... see if you can come back soon...

I mumble something about coming back next year maybe. And BB heartily goes on, that would be good. So just think about it, talk to the family eh?

Not that I have not been thinking about it.

I have been working half-time for the past 6 or 7 years already. I have been getting half my pay, half my benefits, half my leave. I have had to forgo my long-service award and my long-service leave increase. I have seen my peers move up the ladder - managers, section heads, asst directors. Today, my profile is so low that people who meet me on campus say in surprise: Eh, you left and came back ah? or You're still here?? I thought you'd left? What have you been doing?

In a way it stings because before this, okay in the days before babies 3, 4 and 5 came along, I was heading media/pubs and you'd see me on campus-wide committees and generally I'd be seen more often.

But I can't and I don't blame the babies. I have had a richer life since I cut back 7 years ago. I think of how, when it was only Gillian and Isaac, and the constant rush to bring them to my mom's place when they were babies, coming back in the evenings, rushing back home to pasir ris, bathing them, feeding them, reading to them, (quality time!) and how it all felt like I was on a treadmill. I felt like I missed their babyhood. I'm glad it was not like that for Cait, Owain and Trin. And anyway, cutting back was not just because of the babies, it was because I was burnt out. I was just very tired of what I was doing, liaising with the press, writing releases, meeting deadlines.

I was so sick of things that I badly wanted to leave back then. I was 6months preggie, and had secured a job offer to head a well-known local parenting magazine. But my CEO (lovely man!)stepped in, got me a transfer, approved my cut hours. And got me thinking about my priorities. Well-known parenting magazine had also wanted me back in the office one month after I gave birth (to Cait). They were not willing to give me maternity leave and they were well within their rights not to do so. Yes the job was challenging (it involved revamping the whole publication) and the money was decent. But when I realised that it was just a leap from one treadmill to another, that was when I baulked and said forget it.

So I have been happy the past few years. Very comfortable too. But even comfort has its limits.

Now that Trin is growing, I do feel restless. I wonder if it's time to return. Having said that, I still also grapple with the same old issues of losing touch with my kids. It will not be easy to go back to full-time work. I will miss my freedom of having 'free' days in the middle of the week, of being able to do things with the kids, or alone by myself. What price this kind of freedom?

It's also not true to say that the kids are growing up and they no longer need me as much. I think my kids will always need me at every stage of their development - already I have broody adolescents on my hands! And its not about 'problem' kids either. Ordinary kids need their mums around too. And having BTDT with working f/t and having kids, there is no such thing as 'quality time'. There is only time itself - and very often, too little of it to go round. I see KH when he comes home at night and the kids swarm around him. He has precious little time to spend with each and every one of them. If I go back to f/t work, it will be the same for me.

Then there is BirthRight. If I return to full-time work, where is the impetus to work at BirthRight? Sam posted a message some time ago on whether it was time to 'change my line'. I don't feel ready to chuck it all and go f/t on BirthRight. At the moment, in its current form, BirthRight can never give me the same financial security that my f/t job can. And honestly, as I told Rita once, I don't think I have the killer instinct/guts to go out and run a business. I hate feeling stressed because of competition. I enjoy my work in BirthRight and I love meeting the couples but I honestly dislike the 'business' end of it - thinking of the website, thinking of how to market it.

Well, I have until March 31 2008 to think about it.