Is the best good enough?

Gillian came home with a big grin and told me quite proudly: Mum I got 33 upon 100 for English! And 50 upon 100 for science!

Whereupon I went ballistic. WHAT! I thundered. You think those marks are good?? I couldn't believe it. I thought she was always able to pass her English at least. I knew Maths was a problem but this! I said as much to her.

To cut an extremely long, frustrating and angst-filled argument short, she said that her mistakes in her paper were all careless mistakes, that she got distracted along the way but also insisted that she had tried her best and reminded me that I had said that as long as she tries her best, that was good enough.

I was stumped for a while. I kept quiet and thought hard.

Yes I did say that. Everyone says that. Your mama, your daddy, me, Melissa, Miss Mah, Mrs Gopal... Just try your best, give it your best, do your best. And that will be good enough.

But is it really?

How do we know that the child has really tried her best? Given her all during those 2 hours? Put every ounce of concentration and thinking and effort into the work required? Cannot be measured. Cannot be seen. Only can be trusted - and therein lies the bone of contention.

I said at last: you did not try your best. I still believe that if you did your best, that is all that daddy and I can ever ask of you. But I don't believe you did give your best. Giving your best does not mean just 'giving your best' during the exam. Giving your best means working all the way up to and including the 2hours of your exam. It means making the effort to work hard, to study hard, to read books, to help yourself BEFORE the exam as well. But I don't see you doing that. I see you always wanting a good time, always wanting to watch TV, go out to play, go to your cousins' house etc. But I never see you voluntarily read a book, read the newspapers without me nagging you for it. How much effort did you actually really put in? Nothing!

Its not enough to just 'try your best' at the exam. Big deal. If a runner wanted to win a race, is it enough to just go to the tracks on that day and 'try his best'? Without training for it? How do you think he will do? Will he win? Do you think he really gave his best then?

She shook her head. I don't know if it got through to her. But I feel like I have short-changed my daughter in some way. Maybe all that talk about 'trying your best' is just gloss. The attempt to not put pressure or undue stress has backfired on me. On her. This morning I read the same thing on AP - parents who say to their children: just do your best. But I've come to realise - that is not quite good enough anymore. Better for parents to just lay down the expectations and negotiate a target that both child and parents think are acceptable to try for.

I am learning all the time. sigh.

So anyway, I was angry. She was in tears. I am angry with the whole situation and ask myself for the umpteenth futile time - why she just cannot be more responsible and concerned and proactive about her work. Why her attitude is so perpetually sunny that nothing ever sticks.

Finally, she says: I just want you to be happy mum.

I grit my teeth and say: What do you think? You think I am happy right now?

You see? Its the naivete and innocence of it all that is so jarring - she lives in that kind of mental world where everything is so simple - I like, so I take. I want mum to be happy. I don't like maths, so I don't try. Oh a hard question, er I don't understand - skip it! Everything is ruled by her feelings, her wants and not the shoulds. Her raison d'etre is just: I feel like it.

To sidetrack a bit but to emphasise the point, while we were at Borders, she came up to me with a CD of The Cheetah Girls and we had this exchange:

G: Daddy won't buy this for me!
Me: And so...
G: So I want you to buy it for me.
Me: Why do you want it? What's so good about this?
G: Because I like it.
Me: Have you earned it? Did you work for it? If I buy you every single CD you like, what would happen?
G: I'll be very happy lor!
Me: Not going to happen Gill. I am not getting this for you.
G: But why!!!
Me: Show me you worked for it and I will gladly reward your effort. But otherwise, forget it!
G: You know what this means right?
Me: What?
G: I'll just have to keep going on YouTube to hear them sing!
Me: No! It means you jolly well stay off my computer!

You see what I mean? Argh!

Back to yesterday. We ended with me giving the usual schpiel about 'what-are-you-going-to-do-with-the-rest-of-your-life'. But it never does any good. I told her as much: after we talk, you're going to forget about what we talked about and just go back to your old ways. She denied it of course. But true enough, by 8.30pm, she was happy-go-lucky again, water off a duck's back, asking to watch Deal or No Deal. Can you see me shaking my head as I write?

I asked her at the end of our painful conversation to decide what she wants to do. She's got about 4 miserable months left before the PSLE hits. She needs to work her butt off and she needs all the divine intervention she can get - God help her!

And God please grant me enough bloody patience to go through it because now I finally know why some humans spontaneously go up in flames!