My sad breasts

I can't explain it but I am feeling very antsy these days whenever Owain nurses. I get a very uncomfortable, impatient feeling in the pit of my stomach and I really feel like shoving him off at times - have to confess that sometimes I do! Then I feel really bad about it and let him back on. I don't know if this has anything to do with the tandeming or the extended nursing, but it is really getting to me. I explain to him how I feel - that I don't like nursing sometimes, and also because my nen-nen hurts a lot. He nods as if he understands but still asks to nurse - as if he can't help himself and can't deny the urge to nurse. And sometimes after I explain, it's very heartbreaking to hear him say: sorry I hurt you mummy.

"No, it's not that. It's all me." I tell him this, but I'm not sure he understands. Even I don't quite understand it why I feel like this.

Also does not help that my right nipple/areola (his side) is consistently, persistently oozing and eczemic. I have given up on 'alternative' meds and resorted to steroid-based hydrocortisone creams. Each time it works for about two days and then the skin starts to split, peel, ooze again. No amount of moisturising helps either. Faithful applications of lansinoh and palmer's cocoa butter no longer help either. It is raw, purple, red, painful, freakish-looking and just very depressing. My right areola has actually 'expanded' in size compared to the left side. I suppose it is scarring from the eczema. The weepy area of the areola has also thickened to a 'mound-like' lump and the whole thing just looks lumpy. Ugh. Awful. KH thinks it's not normal for the breast to look like this. Tell me about it!

I've been having this for months on end and its just not working out. If anything, it seems to have gotten worse from when I last saw the docs almost a year ago.

Then two nights ago, Trin tore a tiny line in my left nipple base so it really hurts while nursing. Last night it got so bad I had to sit up, cradle her, carefully support the breast, check the latch etc in order to avoid pain. So my sleep was shot to bits. Lying down to nurse was extremely painful because of the location of the cut - the tongue action for nursing aggravates the pain.

All these issues are really getting to me.

I am contemplating seeing the docs at the Breast Centre or at the NSC again but I can guess what they will say - weaning will solve everything. What else can they tell me right? But weaning is not going to be the first option for me. I'll be danged if I stop nursing now because of this. These two are my last babies - I think! And if they are, then I am going to extend the breastfeeding experience for as long as I can.