After

Exactly one week ago, I was lounging around in my room in a white surgical robe, impatiently wondering why they hadn't yet called me into the OT. The op had been delayed for hours. I finally made it to the OT only at noon. Things moved swiftly from there. The anaesthetist after poking me twice to find a vain - big ouch - finally put me under in less than 10min. Have to say it was a really nice feeling to just drift off. Woke up at 3pm hearing someone call me from a distance. The rest of the day I just faded in and out of consciousness, letting people ask me questions, do things to me that I was only vaguely aware of. The pain and the cramps kicked in hours later when most of the anaesthesia had worn off and they fed me the painkillers. Which I have been faithfully popping since then.

Flash forward to today where I am sitting at home, Trin on the desk, writing this entry in the blog. I am feeling loads better today than a week ago. Day by day, I feel better, and stronger. I feel so physically and mentally, emotionally.

So yes, they've taken my womb. The doc asked me cryptically minutes before surgery: Do you want us to keep the womb if its a 50-50 situation?

And I go: Well gee thanks doc, for asking me this question now just mere minutes before cutting me open! I don't know. I feel sad about losing it but I have psyched myself up for this already, so either way do what is necessary.

He pats me absently, nods and says: Ah, a thinking woman.

Whatever it was, he said later that they pulled it as far as it could go and that was pretty far! So they took it out. Gave me a picture for it which I decided best not to post on the blog. Left my ovaries. Repaired the rectocele and the whole back wall.

Was it painful? Only when I tried to be a hero and wean myself off the painkillers. The one time I did it, I was awakened at 2am by the pain and had to crawl downstairs to get them. Not fun.

Today, maybe because I am getting more rest than I ever had even after birth, I feel rested and restored. I feel optimistic. Hopeful. Energised. I get the feeling there is a lot to look forward to, lots more that will be happening in my life. I actually feel renewed. My friends and family have played a major role in getting me back on my feet - spoiling me with home-cooked food, nourishing soups and sesame seed stews, bottle upon bottle of chicken essence. One friend walked in during dinner when I was in hospital and promptly, despite my protests, threw out the hospital curry dinner and bought me fish soup. She proceeded to deliver a stern lecture on what to eat for healing, then when the kids came, good-humouredly did the nagging and mothering I was too out of it to do. I feel so pampered!

And then there are the dreams. I have never dreamed like this in all my life. I don't know whether it is the anaesthesia or what, but I have had the lushest, fully-technicolour dreams in my sleep everynight. I no longer night-wake feeling my heart pound in my ears. I wake instead feeling rested with a strong sense of well-being.

Trin no longer actively nurses at night, and she nurses so seldom these days that perhaps this is really the season for letting go of that part of my life. I am careful about nursing also because I am pumped full of antibiotics and painkillers so I try to keep the rare nursing sessions that come, short as possible. At this point, is it child-led or parent-led weaning? I don't think it really matters. We have come to this point so gradually. Never forcefully, no tears. She seems ready and so am I.

I have one month at home before returning to a three and a half day work week which I applied for before going for surgery. So I will make the best of it - not by rushing around doing as much as I can but just by savouring it. Taking my time, doing what I feel is good and right. And its not as if I'm not looking forward to work - strangely enough, I feel ready and anticipatory.

To share one last vignette of life. Two nights ago at dinner, all of us around the table, under cheery yellow light, sharing food and the day's events. The cat curled up watchfully at the glass doors next to us. My family is complete and I felt utterly content.