Getting over it

The PSLE results are out and Isaac scored 229. First choice St Gabriel's, second choice St Pat's.

I was in shock for most of Nov 20. And I am still recovering and trying to get over it. Isaac - I think pretty much the same.

Will never forget looking at the results slip that day and feeling shock, dismay and disappointment wash all over me at one go. And then, marshalling every bit of self-control that is left, to comfort my boy. He was tearing away and I was babbling away that it was okay, he did great, not the end of the world if he could not get into SJI, blessing in disguise, God's will. Heck, I threw every cliched platitude I knew into the messy mix of comfort and klutz that I offered. I think most of it did not sink in.

Around us were kids and parents, clutching results slips, talking away in excitement. Isaac's P4 teacher Mr Phillip came by. He hugged Isaac and congratulated him for doing well. I caught Phillip's eye and mouthed: No SJI. He's rather upset. And Phillip poohed-poohed it, saying to Isaac, no you did good. Forget about SJI - its nothing. You did great.

Then Isaac's best friend and his parents came over. They checked out their results and then we were all in shock all over again. Patrick scored less than Isaac, despite 2 A*s. SJI was out for him too. What a day. So unexpected. But I was less concerned about Patrick than Isaac - he was still crying and I knew I had to get him out of school. So we said our goodbyes hastily and left.

I then messaged KH with the news. He called back immediately and demanded to know if this was my idea of a joke. Gosh, I wish it were. He demanded to speak to Isaac on the phone. Isaac shook his head. He couldn't get any words out, tears dripping everywhere. What could he say? Told the daddy it's no joke, his son can't talk and we'd discuss when we got home.

Isaac and I spent the rest of the day in a hollow space of disappointment and sadness. Me trying my best to lift his spirits, boost his now-shredded confidence level and pushing aside my own feelings of disbelief and sadness. We sought refuge at my mother's house. I noticed that for the first time, Isaac was not making a beeline for the computer. He was just happy to sit and talk with me and his Mama or be quiet and listen to us.

In the evening his daddy did not say much, just that we would go the next day, to St Pat's and St Gab's to check out our options.

We spent time in St Pat's and in St Gab's the next day. I liked St Pat's for the atmosphere, the old school buildings, the culture, the tradition, the strong alumni, the Catholic-ness of the school. I also liked the principal, I liked the way he turned the school around, I liked his forthright manner, his stand on discipline. More interestingly, I liked the idea that he was starting a scholarship class. This class of higher-end students would be offered more opportunities eg overseas trips, exposure to life sciences etc. While Isaac would not qualify for the scholarship, I thought he would stand a chance of being in the 'scholar class' - created for the higher-achievers in the PSLE. At 229, and given St Pat's highest entry aggregate this year was 234, he would certainly be at the higher end.

I didn't really warm to St Gab's. I thought it was like any other government school - in terms of its architecture, environment etc. There was not much information there on St Gab's either and there were no promising opportunities in terms of the curriculum. But the boys we met there were really nice and showed initiative, good people skills and one of them was also from SJI Junior, or as he retorted: St Michael's School! I was never a Josephian, only a Michaelian! Ah, so even their youngest alumni was not in favour of the school losing the St Michael's name to SJI.

The key points that were in favour of St Gab's were the distance (Isaac could walk to school) and the fact that the L1B4 scores were higher than St Pat's. The average L1B4 for St Pat's is 18 while St Gab's average L1B4 was 15. The school also has a special needs officer. We also met Isaac's classmate there and it later turned out that most of the boys in Isaac's class who did not make it to SJI will very likely end up in St Gab's. So that was comforting to Isaac.

We also visited SJI to check out the possibilities of an appeal. But at 229, its quite a long shot, and the school is expecting the cut-off to move up to 238. Had we put SJI as first choice, we would have had only a slim chance of getting in but would have lost St Gabs as first choice.

We had lunch with Patrick's parents and discussed all the issues, trying to clear up the murky waters. But it was hard. And we left lunch on Sunday, no clearer in purpose and intent than before. The weekend and early part of the week was spent mulling things through, trying to get through to St Pat's principal to find out more about the scholar class and Isaac's odds (we didn't get much headway there).

After angsting over it for so long, we finally submitted the S1 form last night. I did tell Isaac that we just have to move on and take any painful lessons in our stride. SJI is not totally gone - he does have the option of taking the entrance test next year for Sec 2 transfers. But Isaac does not seem keen. Right now, he just seems wary of another setback, another rejection. He's not even in favour of St Pat's because he might not get into the 'scholar class'. I think his choice in St Gab's stemmed a great deal from just playing it safe and licking his wounds for now.

I also had soul-searching to do. It ranged from the trivial to the serious - did I hex him in any way? Maybe it was better if I didn't have that silly dream about him scoring so highly in the exam. Maybe I should have stayed away from school when he got his results then I would not have jinxed him. Should have worn the other lucky t-shirt. Should not have stepped on the cracks in the pavement. Should not have washed hair the night before. All these idle, trivial thoughts, bordering on the superstitious - wishing things could be different and wondering how they went wrong.

But I also pondered on other issues. Was I off the mark to expect him to do better? Is that really the best he can do? Is that a true indicator of his abilities? Was I overly confident of his abilities? Can you 'over-believe' in someone? Can I please walk my talk and not compare my children's achievements? Can I please just stop mouthing off on education bla-bla-bla on AP and looking like a horse's rear end right now?

I've come to realise that no, I can't 'over-believe' in my children. I believe in them and what they can do. I still believe Isaac could have done better. I don't believe the PSLE is the be-all and end-all of academic success. Yes, it is hard when we realise he can't make the grade. But in the grand scheme of things, its early days yet and Isaac has a long way to go. As KH said, better for him to get this kind of disappointment and setback now, then he learns a hard but valuable lesson about life, expectations, confidence, humility, complacency, drive, determination and hunger. Hopefully this will make him a better, stronger person.

As to the rest - re mouthing off on AP etc - yes. Lie low. Lick wounds. Whine a lot. :-)

And me, I am learning from this too - about myself, my own expectations, about friendship etc. I've realised how much of a lonely place I am in. When things go well, the congratulations will naturally flow in. People are attracted to success like moths to the light. But when the road darkens, who walks with me? I feel like a bit of a pariah leper these days. I have had only ONE message of comfort and support since Nov 20. But for the most part, I have also been met with an ominous silence from many whom I thought would understand and provide support and comfort. And gee, the silence is deafening.

Maybe people don't know what to say. Awkward situation after all. Feels kinda like a funeral when you really don't know how to dish out the condolences.

Well I don't want any faux, oily condolences - these days I am so hyper-sensitive I detect insincerity a mile off. I don't want anyone pussy-footing it around me. Yes, my son did not do as well as I thought he would. No, it seems he was not good enough. Yes many others did much better. I wish people would just be upfront about it, acknowledge my feelings and help me move on. Don't tiptoe around it, don't be silent and pretend all is fine and dandy. I just need someone to listen to me when I rant about my disappointment and then, when I am done crying, tell me what I am telling my son: "It's okay. Things will be okay. You will be okay." Why is this so hard? All they got to do is listen. And if they're really good friends, they'd tell me what an absolute little shit I am to moan about grades like these when it could have been far worse!

Still, at least I suppose the old adage holds true: if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. At the very least, maybe it is better than getting a text message like: All according to ability la... Wow. Ouch. And that was after I told this person that we were very disappointed and that Isaac was very upset. Man, that message just left me shaking my head and pressing delete on my phone pronto.

Times like these really help me see who are real friends who would be with me in a time of need.

My immediate concern is my son. Damage control. I'm helping my son get over it, restoring his sense of confidence in himself and stroking the damaged feathers. I'll work on my end when I'm sure he's feeling a bit better.

Bye-bye Thailand, konnichiwa Japan!

Its official. The Thai Rail odyssey has been cold-storaged. Again. The money saved will go to the Visit-Japan fund for a trip scheduled for next year.

We did our sums and realised that the Thai trip would cost about $6000 or so for all of us. For another $7000 we could go back to Japan. So we gave the children the options: Go to Thailand this year or save the $$ and use it for Japan next year. It was almost unanimous - Japan it would be! The only exception was Owain. He wanted the clear waters of Krabi and was miffed that we would not be going. Consolation prize, KH suggested was just to go to Pangkor again. The water there, while not as clear as Krabi, would be clearer than many other places in Malaysia.

So I went online immediately, booked our accomodation in Lumut (Pangkor was full!) at the Swiss Garden resort and accomodation in Ipoh. We plan to take a leisurely drive to Penang as well and then back down the peninsula.

I'm very very excited! I think I've been a teensy bit depressed after Japan - withdrawal symptoms. I've missed it so much! But now, I feel perky and excited again - I wake up feeling like I have something to look forward to. Its time to start planning!! Time to dust off my Japan wishlist. I have a whole year to plan, maybe take Japanese lessons, go into Japanese cuisine again etc! And this time, I plan a much longer stay - at least 14 days or more in Japan. Off the top of my head - Ghibli, Disney Sea, the Kurobe-alpine route, Hakone (maybe) preserved post towns of Tsumago, Magome in the lush Kiso Valley, definitely Kyoto again, Nara, Kobe, Himeji, Hiroshima, Miyajima, driving in Shikoku and the Iya valley, and definitely, lots and lots of onsens! The kids have made their first request - go back to Kangetsu for our Tokyo stay. They really enjoyed the computer time, the rotemburo, and as Owain said, "even the bed on the floor and the comforter was very comfy!" Hee. Futon, son, futon...

Can't wait to go but the planning is half the fun... Now just have to pray for the yen to devalue more!

Report cards for the rest of the tribe!

Last day of school today for Isaac. The P6 boys at SJI Jr have the task of running various assorted games and activities for their younger schoolmates. It will be the last thing they will do in the school. The real farewell of course, took place yesterday.

His Chinese teacher treated the class to pizza and sandwiches as a farewell treat. His form teacher, gruff as ever, with no love lost between the boys and him, said nothing meaninful and just handed out the last school bulletins for the year. His English teacher had a more significant farewell. She called each boy by name up to the front, shook hands with each of them and said a few words individually. To Isaac, she asked: "Do you think you will do well?" Isaac, in his typically deadpan way, avoiding her gaze, said: "Er, I don't know." She said firmly: "I think so. I think you will do well."

Well, I hope so!!

Next week is the PSLE results day on Nov 20. The boys have to be in school by 12nn in full uniform to collect their results. Even I am feeling the jitters about this! It would be the first time I do this as a parent - go to school with my child to collect results. Last year, with Gillian, we were in Japan - but I had a lovely SMS from her teacher to say don't worry, she passed!

So this collecting-results-from-school thing will be a new experience for me. I asked Isaac if he wanted me to go with him, or preferred to go alone. He said he wanted me there. What about dad, I asked. KH had volunteered to take leave and come. But Isaac said no to his dad being there. I asked why and he looked a bit sheepish as he said, "Well, if the results are bad, then dad is going to kick up a fuss and go on and on..."

"And I won't? I believe I have given you earfuls of nagging when your results were not up to par!"

"Yeah," he muttered. "But you're different from dad..."

Okay. I thought it was not quite fair to KH though because I didn't think KH would really kick up a fuss if the results were bad. He would not scold or harangue Isaac, but he might make many of his corny jokes and observations which are not very funny nor useful and he would not know when to stop! Yes, my neanderthal of husband gets an A-star for insensitivity sometimes.

I'm happy to go with my boy and be there for him. He's cool as a cucumber about all this though. But I am very jittery and nervous! Probably more than him!

I am not going to hex him by saying he will do well and definitely get to SJI. I am planning contingency plans - St Gabriels if he does not do well enough, and St Pat's is third in the running. Dad suggested Bartley Sec - his and my brother's alma mater... but KH gave a very horrified NO. Choose a better school. Of course I am not telling dad what KH said - heh! KH is planning to take Friday off to drive his son around to visit his various school choices so that the final decision can be made.

And as for my fishball Owain, well, I attended the Parent-Teacher meeting and his teacher had this to say: Owain is very bright. Has a photographic memory. Just need to show him something once or twice and he remembers it. His grasp of maths concepts is good and he catches on very quickly. In terms of readiness for P1, there should not be a problem. What this means is, he is pretty much on track to be ready for P1 and there looks like no real bumps ahead in the horizon. The only thing is, he is not interested in, and cannot grasp as well, the phonetic concepts of sounds and blending - so this will hamper his progress in reading. No problem with sight words - articles like 'a', 'the', them', 'there' etc. But he has problems in associating letters and sounds and blending them to form words. Still, his teacher seemed sanguine. She said its just a question of readiness. Once they are ready and they cross this last hurdle, there is usually no stopping them. All children have to make this leap and some just take a bit longer than others, but inevitably, they do.

His Chinese teacher said more or less the same thing: Owain is very bright. Learns very fast. No problem with writing or reading, or word recognition (do I thank Berries for this big leap? He was nowhere near this level of proficiency when he first started Berries earlier this year). The only issue she had with him was the lack of Chinese conversation. Cait's Chinese teacher said the same - no problem with most areas except for speaking. And if one does not converse enough, it will inevitably affect composition writing later on, zhao ju (sentence-making) and comprehension.

I've heard this often enough but the thing is - how to speak more when no one in my house speaks Mandarin!!! I am toying with the idea of getting a Mandarin tutor - not to drill them but to just converse in Mandarin - two hours a week better than nothing. Think it will work? Sigh...

Gillian also ended the year well. She scored As in her science grade and overall, Bs in general for her D&T, Home Economics and Cs for the rest. More significantly, for the first time in her life, she passed ALL her subjects!! She's moved up a couple of notches in her class placing to be among the top 15. So we are very pleased. She is fitting in well academically and we are glad she now has this sense of accomplishment. Last year's PSLE results were a good boost for her self-confidence and this year's year-end results do the same. With this, she can see that hard work gets her places.

This is precisely why I believe in streaming. Had there been no streaming, she would have been lumped with everyone else and been at the bottom of the barrel, and it would have been very demoralising for her. In pri school, until she officially streamed to EM3, this was the case. Her classes was mixed and she always ended up scraping the bottom. And in case you think girls of a higher academic ability are necessarily kinder and help their lesser-endowed counterparts, you're wrong. Gillian was very often the target of many malicious and spiteful comments. There were only one or two exceptions.

Socially, she seems to have settled down to one good friend - Abigail. This girl seems to have her share of problems, but does not exhibit as much outrageous behavior as some other girls in class. Gillian still remains very connected to us at home, so while there are some stirrings of rebellion, she still largely remains close and this negates the influence she gets at school. I don't know how long this will last though and it will get trickier the older she gets.

All in, this year was also a good year for her. It gets harder next year though! KH and I scanned the maths syllabus for Sec 2 NT and we were cringing - ack! algebra! How to explain algebraic concepts to someone who barely grasps basic mathematical concepts! KH is not looking forward to next year...

Finally, Trin. She will start regular therapy in Jan next year. She went for a test and showed normal development for her age range in articulation. But the second test for expressive vocabulary was cut short because she was not co-operative. They will test again six months later. We do see some more emerging language skills. She is still not as proactive as we'd like her to be, still has a great deal of baby-talk, but there are hopeful signs. She can babble something like: "Moon ky!" or "Is raining!" or "Car blue! I dri car."

All we can do at home is to speak more, articulate clearly and speak in proper sentences so that she can see the place for articles eg we will say, "THE moon IS IN THE sky!". We will repeat what she said in its proper sentence. We will keep labelling what we see everyday, keep reading to her. I've bought her a big word book which she loves. She enjoys flipping through, pointing and labelling the objects/pictures. Right now she can identify colours, identifies numbers, can rote count to 12 and has maybe about 300+ words in her vocab. We just need to show her how to link them up in sentences and encourage her to use these in her speech. Sounds easier than it is.

So there it is - this is how my tribe stands at the end of 2008. The chapter is not fully closed until Isaac gets his PSLE result on Nov 20. But I think its been good so far. Praise and thanks be to God for giving us this lovely year - more ups than downs.

The little things that count

The primary school year has officially ended. Phew!

Caitlin came home with a cert for Fun Gym, a cert for Art from the Little Art Bug workshops the school organised, a cert for completing the dance programme and participating the the IJ Dance Fest, a cert for music accomplishment in class (she's not tone deaf after all!) and finally, a cert for "completing the school year with fun and laughter!"

I liked the last one best - it has been a good year all in all for her.

So far in my experience with IJ this past year, I have seen countless little touches that were not present in my experience with my other kids' schools. Even before the school year began, when Cait went for Orientation night, she was given a small laminated card, written and illustrated by her P1 counterpart in the same Hibiscus class who welcomed her to IJ and to the Hibiscus class. I thought that was a nice touch!

Then looking at the programmes the school offered - from gym to dance to Little Art Bug workshops etc, it seemed that while there was emphasis on the academics (can't run from this), there was also good emphasis on the non-academics. I liked this aspect too.

Her movement through the year in terms of Chinese, also demonstrated differentiated learning in full swing - from taking the bridging module in the first half of the year which meant extra classes and small group learning, to making that huge improvement and then switching over to the core modules, that also impressed me.

We went for the Parent-Teacher meeting recently. We were presented with a file of Cait's writing. Each girl had a writing file. The work done in that file over the months accounted for 5 marks of the overall final scores. I liked that progressive development was taken into consideration. A detailed report from the school was included to show where her strengths and weaknesses lay in terms of writing skills.

Incidentally, she loves to write - I saw her late one night, working away at her desk. I asked what she was doing and she showed me a large notebook - pages of writing. She was re-writing the story of Cinderalla, and on the opposite blank pages, there was a simple illustration. I looked through it and thought - well, good effort but she sure needs to work on paragraphing! Gosh, three pages of ONE paragraph!! And she needs to work on expressing her own ideas as well. Still, its a good start and I was suitably impressed - none of my other kids have done this. Not even Isaac!

In her report book, it was not only the grades that were reflected. Assessments and grading were provided for art, for PE too! And it was not just a 'Pass' or 'Fail' grade or As, Bs, Cs etc. But ticked boxes indicating the level of skill she demonstrated. So for Art, for example, while she showed good awareness spatial concepts, of line, colour, contrast and tone, and could make use of various media and techniques to bring out these skills, she still needed to be developed in terms of creative concepts, in developing her own ideas and to be confident about expressing these.

I don't know if many other schools do this, but I did appreciate that these observations were recorded for parents. It told us a lot more than just the usual letter grades. I did not see this done for Gillian's or Isaac's pri school.

And finally, the tiny certs they gave were also a nice touch. It reminded the girls that these were their accomplishments to be proud of, and of how far they have come. What a nice confidence booster.

I like these small thoughtful touches and these are what sets certain schools apart from the ordinary. The first year of pri school for Cait has been relatively a good year. She started the year out strong, then had this big emotional anxiety attacks that lasted for a good part of the year, but then ended the year on a high note with a fantastic performance at the Dance Fest, great grades (high band 1 for English and Maths and band 2 for Chinese) and a nod for the artistic gym CCA early selection. I'm proud of her. She is happy where she is now, lots of friends and they come from all classes and not just Hibiscus. Cait is really Lil Miss Social Butterfly - so there have been many invites to many a birthday party practically every other week.

It's just the beginning and it does get tougher.

Next year, the academics get ratcheted up a notch, gym training is stepped up to 2x a week, ballet exams in March and we plan to remove the school bus option - so she has to learn to take public transport by herself. We will give the girls a lift to school in the early morning, then she will take bus home by herself. No point continuing with the school bus since 3 days out of five, she will have to stay back in school either for ballet or gym.

Having a kid go through P1 is always an exercise in bated breath - will they take to school well? Can they adjust? Can they cope with the academics? Will they fit in, make friends? I look back on the year with fond nostalgia because I know the honeymoon is over, even though Cait is pretty blissfully unaware. Its uphill from here and the intensity will build over the years. I hope she will come through okay.

Our first harvest!

We had kangkong (water convolulus) for dinner the other day. Nothing spectacular about it but the fact that it came freshly cut from the our garden! We've taken to growing small patches of veg in our backyard. We have kangkong, chilli, bittergourd, durian (KH shakes his head at this one and says no go, have to remove it before it grows into a ginormous tree!), pandan plant, Thai basil, curry plant, daun limau perut, lemongrass. I would like to add brinjal to the list soon.

No pesticides, no fungicides, nothing chemical. We use only organic compost on it. Don't know if this was my imagination but the kangkong sure tasted great!