Not quite a sore spot after all

I feel better. I really do.

I can actually read the huge, two-page display in the Sunday Times on the marriage and parenthood perks without feeling like throwing up!

For my current state of well-being, I have SJI Jr to thank! On Friday night, despite the rain, Isaac and I went for the PSLE mass in the school hall. I've always liked school masses - reminds me so much of those wonderful masses held in the Marymount chapel back in school. Something about the simplicity of the set-up, the presence of young boys and girls etc, even the hymns sung, always makes me feel nostalgic.

The gospel reading spoke about having trust in God. Why worry, it said, for if God will take care of the lilies in the field, surely He will take care of you. Immediately I felt better - like someone gave me a good much-needed kick in the head. Ah, a moment of clarity!

All this time, for KH and I, we have always believed that what God gives, God will provide for. We never needed any Baby Bonus to seal that belief or to drive our actions and our decisions.

God will provide. He always does. I felt relieved at that reminder and yet sheepishly stupid - what had I been thinking, and being so miserable for over the past week? What a waste of time and what a twat I was! How could I ever doubt Him?

So God worked it out in such a way that the financial incentives don't really come to us, but He has His reasons surely. And of course, He has always seen us through and He would never abandon us.

I thought about how, whenever money was tight, there would always been some coming in from somewhere at the most unexpected moments - not through windfalls like Toto (though KH wishes!!) but through, say, an unexpected private class or two that I would be asked to give etc. And that, often, is just enough to meet the shortfall that I am struggling to make up for.

Over the years, I have come to realise that His ways are not our ways and sometimes they are downright baffling! But one thing is clear - He never gives us more than we want or too little, He always gives us 'just right'. Even when He gives us Toto! (the last time we won the lottery was in 1992 and even then, we only got about $3000 and it was enough to subsidise our honeymoon in Hawaii - we would never have been able to go for one otherwise!)

So I feel loads better. He has given us the tax rebates and that will help of course. I am happier today than I was last week.

PMO also replied to my emotional outburst - just a standard reply to say they can't accede to my suggestions etc and they hope I understand. Well, I might not agree, but I do understand. I think that coming out of all this is at least the knowledge that the PM reads our stuff, has his inbox always open for us and is ready to listen. How many heads of state do this? So for that at least, I am glad.

With all this, I can't say I am not tempted to have Baby number 6. My mother, as expected, said pointblank when I saw her on Sunday: Don't Even Think About It! My aunt, who was present, gave the good news that my cousin was expecting number 5 - so she joins the ranks of Big Families! With that, I am no longer the anomaly in the family. Someone else in the family shares the same insanity gene. And of course, reading the Sunday Times gave a pleasant surprise (Congratulations Serene!! Seven!!) .

But I come swiftly back down to earth in the evening when Trinity went into one of her obstinate moods - first she refused to get into the car seat and KH had to drive off, send the kids home and then come back for us. I don't like pandering to it so I just sat with her at mom's void deck - either she got into the car or we would just stay at the void deck. It took a while, much enraged jumping up and down and infuriated screaming (by her!) before she would agree to let me bring her to the car and strap her in. Then later at night, she refused to wear her PJs after her bath at night, and last night was cold thanks to the incessant rain! Grrr....

I find dealing with her tantrums tiring and rather annoying. I've come to the stage when I feel like I have less patience for all this. Its not like I don't understand that this is 'normal', she is testing the limits and as a parent, I should think of more creative responses instead of "Stop it or else!" But catch me when I am physically tired and I am pretty much brain-dead when it comes to creative and sensitive parenting.

So with all this, and of course, the thought of starting all over again with a new baby - God help me! - with the breastfeeding (and with eczemic nipples!), the diapering, etc etc... all makes me feel very tired. Yes, I would love to have the birth I've always wanted, but what happens after birth? The work has only just begun and I'm not sure that the idea of a homebirth and the government's parenthood package is enough justification for another 21 years of angst over a kid!

So the odds are that we will remain as a family of 7 instead of 8. (Ivan, better not bet on this - you're more likely to lose this one!) Still, never say never. If God chooses to give us one more, He will. And if that happens, tired or not, I'll just have to rise to the challenges and do it all over again! I just found it very interesting that the timing of all these announcements come right when I am contemplating a hysterectomy! Er, is God telling me something?? I always said He's got a real warped sense of humour with lots of inside jokes that only He gets!