Blue

Don't know if this is me or if this is common to everyone, but I get bouts of 'blueness'. I don't know what else to call it.

I could be going about my own business, sitting in a bus or a train, walking or shopping and suddenly I'd just feel extremely sad. The heart feels so still and so heavy and I feel anxious and afraid. It does not last long - maybe only five to 10min.

Is this an anxiety or panic attack? It does not feel like panic but it's just a deep, heavy sadness - almost like despair. But in those moments of sadness, everything seems sharpened. I see the things around me ever so much clearer. Like yesterday, when the blueness came over me in the MRT train and on the walk home. It was rainy and grey and windy. But never have I been so aware of the shifting clouds, the coolness of the drizzle and the sharp black reflections of the leaves in the puddles. Its as if all my senses were sharpened.

I ask myself: what is this feeling? why does it come? there is a tinge of fear so just what am I so afraid of? Is it work? The children? Did I forget something I was supposed to do? What is the root cause?

I have no answers. More like, if I am to be honest, afraid to delve deeper to look at those answers. People go through life seeking answers but where will it end? It never does. And this is why I see no point about delving deeper. I'd just be opening up a hornets' nest.

I wonder if it could be my grandmother's death? Is it grief? I don't think so. Though I know I am more pensive these days and I still feel those queer tightenings in my chest and the tears spring up to the corners of my eyes as a reflex. And yes, market days are hard, knowing that her house stands empty 10 floors above. But no, it's not about her dying.

So I carry on like this - normal on most days. Then unexpectedly, unknowingly, that heavy heart descends on me. Is it just me I wonder.