Part-time or full-time?

Its now the end of Feb and the beginning of March. Sometime next week, I would have to sit down, craft my usual formal memo to my bosses to request for an extension of my part-time working arrangements. The arrangement usually expires on 31 March 2008, in line with the government's financial year. So I need to decide if I should carry on like this or go back to full-time work.

With the three bigger kids in primary school and Owain off to kindergarten, it's really only Trinity who is the sole nestling I have. She will be three later this year. Does she need me? What do I really do for her? Truth be told: not much, as you will see.

Seven years ago I first made the decision to go part-time because I was pregnant with Caitlin. Having been a WOHM and gone back to work when Gillian and Isaac were both barely 2months old, and having left them in the care of helpers who came and went, I decided when I was carrying Caitlin in the womb, that I would not do this anymore. I did not want to be away from her as she was growing up, I did not want to leave her and just go back to work when she was 2months old as I did with the rest. I wanted to see her milestones, be part of her journey actively. Hence the decision to go part-time.

And I like to think I was an involved mom. Working part-time allowed me to work in the mornings and still come home in the afternoons to be with her. I got what I wanted: I saw her milestones, I was right there with her, we nursed all the way until I got pregnant with Owain, in many ways we were much closer in the early years than I ever was with Gillian or Isaac. Not debating SAHM-hood or WOHM-hood, but for me, the difference was clear - there was no such thing as 'quality time' but just... time. Spending that time with Cait was very rewarding - for me as mom and I think, for her as well.

Then came Owain and Trinity and my half-time situation was really useful - it allowed me to be with them, to nurse them for longer than I ever had, to see their lives slowly unfold.

But now, as they all grow older, things are different. Mummy is no longer front and centre of their lives. Working part-time now is more for ME-time than parenting time. I enjoy my days off because I get to go and have lunch with my friends or by myself, I get to catch a movie now and then when the cinemas are so empty, I get to wander the aisles of Borders and actually find empty armchairs to browse my books in and I love it that I get to go shopping and there are no queues for the dressing rooms.

I feel downright indolent. Even hedonistic at times.

And while I enjoy my time, I do also feel guilty. I remind myself that I am working part-time so that I could be more of a mother - instead, I find myself being more like a slacker mom than a 'real' mom. I have less than half the devotion of many true SAHMs who stay home to cook, teach, nurture their children. Mothers like El on AP make me feel so ashamed. I could be doing so much more. But I am not. I am busy enjoying myself. Even when I am home, what do I do? I'm on the PC or my nose is buried in a book! KH asked me in a rather accusatory tone just the other night, "What did you do the whole day?"

In my defence, I had gone to see the doctor, but I had also treated myself to a haircut, a nice lunch etc. I knew what he was talking about, and it created a huge wave of guilt in me because I knew he was right - I was slacking again - but at the same time, I resented his tone. Suffice to say then that my response was very cold.

So I am thinking now: since I am so unproductive working half-time, maybe I should just go back to full-time work. At least then I would be earning a full salary, getting my full bonuses etc. But I think about working full-time - means leaving the house at 6.45am every morning and not getting home until 7pm at least. And then having five kids fight for my attention then - they actually chatter all at the same time and call each other out for being 'rude' for talking when they're talking and I've got to referee it such that each kid gets his five minutes worth - and then after that, managing homework, reading stories, listening to complaints etc. And then it would be bedtime and the grind begins again. On weekends, it would be the usual run-about to bring the kids to Kumon, Berries, catechism, swimming etc. And if I taught on Saturday afternoons, my stock of time will be even more depleted. When would I get private me-time? When would I have time to read a book, catch a movie, get a facial, wander around Marks and Sparks looking for lingerie?

Reading the current discussion on AP on SAHMs and WOHMs, left me thinking. People become SAHMs and find fulfillment in being one because of their devotion to their children. I, on the other hand, want to retain my part-time work status, not because I want to be a present-in-the-moment mom for my kids, but because I just want my me-time.

Owain tries his darndest to bargain with me to pick him up from school everyday or he won't go to school - I've counter-proposed for once a week only and he's agreed. So far. But every morning he asks the same question: Mummy, are you full-day or half-day today? He cheers up when he hears I am on half-day or when I say that I have no work that day. I can't imagine his response if I tell him I am full-day everyday!

Caitlin comes to me with her spelling preparation and we do this in the mornings after breakfast before she goes off to school. We run through Chinese and English spelling or do Berries homework. She always initiates it because the work sort of reassures her about going to school - maybe she feels more prepared to cope?

Gillian comes home from school, perches herself on the sofa next to me and starts in her usual dramatic way: Mom!! Guess what happened in school today!! and then she starts rattling off. I am usually only half-listening - my attention is on the book in front of me. Luckily, the ears of mothers everywhere have a way of perking up at just the right time and I call her out on a few points. But mostly, I just grunt. And yet, my daughter tells me a bit shyly the other day: "Mom, I really like talking to you, I dunno why." I tell her that's a very nice thing to say and privately, I fervently wish she would never stop feeling this way all through the rest of her teenhood! Even though I just grunt through the conversation.

And Trinity, well yes, have to admit I don't do much here. No flashcards, no hands-on homemade science experiments, no table work done, no pretend parallel play etc. We just nurse a lot. Or we play computer games together (she's a big fan of Fishing Frenzy and a real pro at sliding the mouse over the icon and actually clicking it) . When she asks for paper, I give her a bunch of it and she sits on the floor scribbling away. No, we don't do productive stuff like alphabet tracing, colouring together etc. She just scribbles. In that, perhaps I am rather lazy.

If I work full-time, how would I do all this? I am back to the same old questions - how are kids best nurtured? What, really, is mothering all about? Is a mother's time well spent (in KH's book at least!) equated with time spent ensuring the kids do their work, checking their homework, pushing/nagging them etc? If I didn't do this, am I a poor mother?

I've come a long way from the time I first made my decision to work half-time. I started with glorified visions of wanting to homeschool, actually believing I had the discipline and patience to do this (I don't and I take my hat off to all homeschooling mothers everywhere who do!), I started my journey believing that the devotion of a mother means being there every step of the way, sacrificing to the nth degree, physically emotionally and spiritually nurturing and guiding and protecting her children. That sounds like a real tall order to me now. Or maybe it isn't but it need not be done in the way that we think it should be.

I stand where I am today, a semi-SAHM with feet of clay (marine clay from the Dead Sea preferably since they are rather good for the skin!). I am not a perfect SAHM, given my penchant for me-time. I am not even close to fitting KH's ideals of a 'good' SAHM, nonchalant as I am about my children's academic work etc.

Maybe mothering does not mean that lofty ideal I first had. Maybe that picture needs to be re-worked so that it doesn't stand alone in black or white. Maybe we can never be perfect mothers - well, at least not me! Maybe mothering is best done in spurts - spurts of time with the children and spurts of me-time. Maybe mothers should stop feeling guilty about me-time! (heh, maybe I am giving myself a reason to stop feeling guilty with all the rhetoric!)

Maybe I need to give myself another year working half-time before I take on the old ball and chain again. I think I would find it quite hard to give it up and go back to the grind. And my children? I think they would find it hard too. No answers for now. But I've got a week to think about it. Opinions anyone?

Maybe I should ask my kids.