Eat Pray Love

I finished reading this book several days ago, largely over the CNY holidays. Usually, as 'book advisor' to my mom, sister, best gal pals, I freely pass them the books which I have finished reading and have enjoyed. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert would be one such book. But this time, I find myself strangely reluctant to hand this book over. I am now halfway through reading other books - largely sci-fi by Orson Scott Card - but still feel no inclination to let go of Eat Pray Love.

Something about the book still resonates with me. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, is a prize-winning American writer who went on a one-year life-changing journey through Italy, India and Bali. She had gone through the messy end of her marriage, a tumultuous love affair and was on anti-depressants by the time she decided to make this journey. So it was that she decided to take a year to just do the stuff she likes and in the meantime, hope to find some meaning in her life and cliched though it sounds, to find 'herself'.

So she lived 4 months in Rome Italy, learning the language and deriving pleasure from the beauty of the Italian landscape, the glorious food, the marvellous people she met. The next four months was spent at an ashram in India where she fell into meditation, learnt some life truths and experienced the pinnacle of kundalini shakti (a near ecstatic experience of God). The final four months of the year was spent in Bali, in a cottage near Ubud, listening, watching and learning from healers and being healed.

Gilbert is a very engaging writer and her experiences are very interesting. But more than that, the book came to me at a time in my life when I have started asking questions about many things - situations and people that we take for granted in our lives, the issues of identity, happiness and choice. Her situation, particularly in the early parts of the book, really hit a couple of raw spots.

Reading about how she made those choices and how her year of searching panned out told me a couple of things - that in life, there are always u-turns, that happiness is not a permanent structure and the most we can hope for is a state of contentment. But that is not to say that happiness is not there - it is, just that it comes in very sweet fleeting moments. God is also not only found in the conventional judeo-christian model that I have been brought up to believe. His largeness can be experienced in so many different ways.

I felt moved and inspired and wondered if I would ever have the courage to do what she did - and if I did, where would I go? The very idea of 'finding myself' sounds very indulgent to me. Self-indulgent. My argument would be, well Gilbert could do it because she did not have 5 children. I could not take off for a year like that.

Or perhaps I dare not.

If I ever did, I would be a 'bad' mother, an irresponsible person. Labels and judgement like that really hurt. Still, that does not stop me from longing wistfully for such an opportunity to just go - roam the earth, leave all the anchors of my life.

What would I find out there? I think more than just the courage of letting go is the courage to confront what you would find if the anchors of your life are not there. If I stripped myself of all my known identities - wife, mother, daughter, employee, birth educator, so-and-so's friend etc. And lived someplace else, starting anew as a stranger, what would I find? Who would see me, find me and define me? Would I need that kind of definition? Am I even strong enough to accept me for me? And what if I did find God? Frightening thought.

Sounds like too much navel-gazing eh? Nevertheless, it is a good bookwhich raised many questions about myself, my life, about love, relationships, about God. Go read it. Might just raise questions about your own life.

Meanwhile, around this time I realised that I had frequent flier points from Qantas which would expire next month if I didn't do something about it. I checked and found that I could either go to Melbourne (only a one-way ticket) or to Bali (a two-way ticket).

If you believe in the laws of the universe, in God sending you signs, then one must wonder if it is not Bali I am meant to go - can't afford a whole year off? Do the next best thing - take a week in Bali! Alone. Scary thought. But so tempting.

And to Melbourne? I have the NCEA Aus conference coming up in Sept 08 and my fellow childbirth educator/midwife pal from Adelaide is asking me to go. So I am thinking hard about this. I have not been to Melbourne in 20 years. My last trip there was also a refuge trip of some sort.

Either way, to Bali or Melbourne, this would be a trip to make alone. No KH and no kids. And maybe along the way I'd be able to find some insight there.