Doing the CNY happy-happy shuffle

I used to love CNY as a child. Even as a young adult. But now that I am married, the joy of CNY is marred for me thanks to one thing: unavoidable time with my ILs. Got to grit teeth and do the happy-happy - even when I'm really not feeling the lurve.

This year to get through the annual IL session, I have done my shopping at Borders to arm myself with a stack of good books to bring along and just get lost in. While they are doing their usual yak-yak and playing blackjack, I will be in a corner, hopefully engrossed in a gripping novel. And yes, ears plugged into my MP3 player. Must remember to charge the player.

You may say: oh this is your fault - you should be less anti-social, make an effort to fit in. Well, not that I've not tried. I've tried to join in a conversation at a table only to have the table vacated within 10min of my getting there. Then I'm left at the table with one or two others, usually my BILs, and faced with an awkward silence. And where did everyone else go? You see them next huddling together in another corner of the house yakking away.

I sort of get the message.

They don't mean to snub me but they do prefer their own company. And maybe there are things they need to talk about which can't be said when I'm there. Whatever the case may be. I am not unsympathetic - I know how it is - with my brother's girlfriend, nice though she is, its hard to keep the conversation going for too long, and there are always private jokes and unknown relatives to goss about which she might not relate to. It's hard enough to find people you can click with as friends. With ILs you don't have a choice at all and its a bonus if you can click with them and be buddies (something I used to hope for a long time ago when KH and I first got married: my fantasies about going shopping with my SILs have long since evaporated into dust) but I've come to realise that some things just can't be forced. The best I can do is to maintain some form of neutrality when I meet them and do (or at least pretend!) the happy-happy routine.

After a few sessions of these, I just gave up. Better to just bring a book and sit somewhere. Or avoid gatherings altogether. Unfortunately, my kids love their cousins and eagerly lobby for more meetings! Which brings me to point non plus. I want time with my kids but my kids want time with their cousins - and I absolutely hate these gatherings. I've come to the point that I try to avoid some gatherings when I can - the kids are okay (when mom doesn't come along they get to stay later, play harder and no gloomy-looking mom there to spoil their party) but KH is not.

I will admit it - these things have been an unspoken and unresolved point of tension between me and KH. One day, I know this is all going to explode in our faces. Right now we're just tacitly agreeing not to touch this subject - it's just a ticking time bomb. So for now I'm resigned to doing the happy-happy even when I am not - something I think I am getting quite good at lately.

This year, our prep for CNY has been quite sluggish. I just didn't feel in the CNY mood. The kids have been pestering us to get the CNY decorations going, to get the flowers etc. But this year, my heart is just not in it. Just don't have the feel-good effect that I used to get.

The only joy that I am deriving from all this is the possibility of spending time with my sister! Yes, she's coming down from KL and hopefully we get to spend more time together. Seems like we're always just passing each other like ships in the night. Even when I go to KL, she's busy surrounded by dogs and I'm surrounded by kids - it's so hard to have a good talk. So this time, I am really looking forward to sitting down, hopefully having a good game of mahjong with her or even Scrabble! The last time we met in KL we were talking wistfully about not having played Scrabble or Monopoly together for ages!

And for the icing on the cake, this year, CNY's 2nd day falls on my wedding anniversary. Feb 8 marks 16 years of marriage. Actually, 17 since we did the ROM thing in 1991.

But you honestly think we will celebrate this? I think I have a greater chance at picking the winning Big Sweep ticket.

Instead, I forsee KH going to his sister's house for dinner or something like that. Bad enough that he would not take me out for dinner (trust me on this, he never did all these years without a prompt from me and this year I'm just too emotionally spent to prompt again!) or do anything romantic, but worse that this happens on CNY and I end up spending my anniversary with the ILs! Ugh!

I know. I sound so cynical. And as a good friend told me, so crochety and miserable too. Horrible right?

I don't know. Maybe its 17 years. Maybe I'm tired of CNY and the whole shebang. Maybe I just need to get away. Alone.

I think I just need to find some real happy-happy for me. Don't know where to start though.

But first, got to grit teeth and get through CNY.