Pain amid the mundane

It never fails to amaze me how pain can be interwoven with the mundane, that even when one feels so down, one can still function and go on. The human mind and heart can be so resilient.

Okay, reporting on the mundane first - Gillian got into the bowling team. Now her granddad thinks she is the next Big Thing and claims his granddaughter has 'potential' - he wanted to run right out and buy her her gear - the bowling shoes, the wrist guard, the ball, the bag etc. When I tried to head him off by saying I'd like to check with the school on what exactly is required, he gave me a very rude unpublishable comment that went somewhere along the lines of me being 'constipated' in my actions - to say this politely.

So there goes sunshine and water and achy arms - no more dragon boat/ODAC! To KH's secret disappointment.

Another mundane event - or maybe not so mundane, depending on your POV. Isaac went head-to-head with his daddy last Thursday night. We had come back late (for a school day) after going to the library and doing grocery shopping at J8. It was 10pm by then. KH insisted that Isaac complete his day's Kumon homework. And for KH it was not just completing it, Isaac also had to memorise the words etc to be 'tested'. This is everyday routine. But that night, Isaac was not buying it. He was just tired and wanted to sleep. He didn't like Kumon, never enjoyed it and certainly did not want to do it when he was tired and sleepy. But KH told him: You're not allowed to sleep until you finish your Kumon.

So what did my son do?

Promptly climb out of his bedroom window and sit outside on the roof in the darkness, trying to sleep!

In deadlocks like these, who else should be called to the rescue but mummy dearest - yours truly! So blur me was roused out of sleep by an irate KH, did not have the foggiest what had happened, but obediently albeit groggily went to Isaac's room and rapped on the window. I told him shortly: I don't care what happened between you and your dad. Its late. I'm sleepy. Get back in here and go to bed!

The next day when I was more awake and focused, I asked him what happened. Told him to please try to negotiate with his dad or compromise for a win-win situation. Rather than him sulking out in the darkness and his dad going to bed huffy, try for a compromise - like work on the worksheet but be tested the next night instead etc. My son listened solemnly, unblinkingly, and nodded.

But I see in him a growing boy and the seeds of adolescent independence being sown. He is 11 going on 12. But I also know that he cannot be 'handled' in the same way that KH has always 'handled' him - he cannot be just ordered around, shouted at, given ultimatums etc. And that was what I told KH in private too. I don't know how much of that sank in - probably not much - knowing his mulishness. Sigh.

So that's the mundane report. And the pain?

Well, Marc's ashes will be scattered at the big track at Sepang, KL this Saturday. This is it. Bye-bye Marc dear - you will now have a grandstand seat right in the thick of all the race action. You will always be remembered and loved.

And another source of pain - deep pain in fact - comes from within. I am facing a personal emotional crisis of sorts. These few weeks/days have been very awful emotionally. I teeter between sadness to anger to hope and back again. Like whirling around in the Mad Hatter's Tea Cup of Emotion! It's hard to juggle keeping the normalcy of life going and putting on a smiley face for a mom with all this internal turmoil going on. But I think I do a pretty good job. There were times when I've felt like I was about to burst or suffocate from the big tsunami inside. Even my blood pressure, which was well controlled with meds until this point, shot up.

I've decided to seek some professional counselling help before deciding what to do next. But life, I think, will be rather rocky from here on. I am also trying to work out my feelings by creating a private restricted blog, by talking it out with closer friends who have been through this, but I think there is only so much this can help. After a while, I start to feel like I am going round in crazy circles! I think talking to a professional might help present a more objective picture and offer me some options on what to do next. I'm optimistic. I know I'll be alright after a while.

Meanwhile, I've got to BREATHE! Inhale, exhale...