Of Friends and Dads

Gillian's first days in KC went better than expected. She came home happy and said she'd made friends. Which was better than I expected, given that in the days before school started, her new-school anxiety was covered up by the usual teen sulky face, hair flips and muttered intonations about school being "boring", everyone being really "boring" and how the act of making friends was yes, oh so "boring"! Oh get a new vocab already!

So day 1, I was pleased to hear her say "I made some friends like you told me to!" (though of course I wish she'd made friends because she wanted to, not because I told her to - sigh!)

Day 2, still had the same friends. Turns out that they were the cute, mixed-looking girls from KC Pri. I had seen them on Orientation Day in December. Gillian's class largely comprised girls from other schools and the bunch from KC Pri was a small one even though KCP was affiliated to KC. Okay, I stress these are first impressions and first impressions might not be very useful in the long run. The KC girls look like they already knew each other (of course! Same school!) and were already a clique. The other girls from the other schools were looking lost and standing around. I don't know about you, but for me, I would have drifted towards the other loners and hoped to find someone whom I could click with - since everyone also looked lost like me. I would steer clear of the cliques - especially if they looked smart, tart, good-looking and cool - but that's just me with the low self-esteem speaking!

Day 3 and the warning bells have officially sounded a peal! Gillian came home round eyed with stories swapped during Chinese lessons. Since we had applied for Chinese exemption, Gillian had been spending her Chinese lessons outside of class with another classmate (from KC Pri) who was also applying for exemptions. And these two girls have been busy waggling tongues on hot 'gossip' on the KCP girls in their class. Like so-and-so had had sex and had an abortion, like so-and-so smokes ("but only one puff mum!"), like so-and-so were part of a gang and beat up other girls ("but they're not going to do it anymore cos they're scared of the discipline mistress!"), like so-and-so 'hated' her body and got hurt many times ("she broke her neck too mum!" at which I raise one sceptical eyebrow).

So warning bells now going clang-clang-clang in my head, I wonder what to do/say while maintaining Zen mum outlook. My first instinct is to pounce and say: Okay, lose these friends NOW.

But then instinct tells me that if I go heavy-handed in this, she will be defensive and batten the hatches and then there will be no way I can get my 2 cents in.

So I say as mildly as I can even tho the horror stories are starting to curdle my blood, "Er, maybe you shouldn't believe all that you hear. This is just gossip." Maybe that should apply to me too eh? I shouldn't believe all that I hear.

Instead I tell her about my JC days when I made so many wrong choices, leaving my bunch of down-to-earth pals in VJC for RJC just for prestige sake and to thumb one up my ex's nose since I made it and he didn't, even though he was from RI. Then there was the bad bad bad mistake of trying too hard to fit in with the popular crowd in my first year which led to a hard comedown at the end of Year 1 and stinky results, and later backpedalling but too late to better grades at the A Levels. I forgot that RJC kids are brilliant kids - the kind who can party hard, captain hockey teams and still come up with As. I, on the other hand, thought the glam and cool would rub off on me, but forgot that our basic DNA is not the same - I was not as brilliant and needed time to knuckle down to work/study. And there were just not enough hours in the day to party party party, be distracted by boys, moon about campus and still study enough to get decent grades. There is always a price to pay for the choices we make.

So my basic message to her is: "You can hang out with whoever you think is fun or cool and it is okay to like them, or even wish you could be like them, but you don't have to do everything they do. You don't have to like or agree with everything they like/tell you to do. If you feel that something is not right, be brave enough to say no and not do it. And sometimes you can try very very hard to be like your friends, but you're still not them - you're still you. And there is nothing wrong with that. Some friends may stick by you, but some friends, the minute you're in trouble, scatter and run. So you've got to be careful whom you trust and this sort of thing takes time, so don't be in a hurry to just stick to one group of friends. Talk to other girls in your class - you never know who else you can click with."

Strategically though, as a mom, I think its time to get to know G better and to be open and to get to know her friends better. And if I really really disliked them, to never let her know. Maybe its time to invite her friends over. (But I sense this group might find our house decidedly un-cool since we lack the usual gadgets and my house rule includes no holing up inside bedrooms with the door closed!) Still, maybe her coming 13th birthday might be a good time. I think I really have to keep her close - not in a vice-like grip to watch over her like a warden - but to be emotionally as close as I can.

And as for dads - well, we attended a parenting talk at KC on Sat because G had to attend a CCA Fair to choose her CCA. And part of the talk included the emphasis on the fact that dads need to be closer to their daughters, to take active part in their lives. Their journey into womanhood should not be accompanied only by their mother. So in a move that surprised me, KH prompted signed up for Dads N Daughters Day - Feb 16 - where dads and daughters get to bond in an arts n craft session! It surprised me because up till now, KH has always said he would leave 'woman things' to me and I would presume this includes all the touchy-feely emo stuff that men generally view with horror.

But I think we both recognise that our parenting roles are shifting a bit now. And as always, there is hard work ahead. This, at 13 and in Sec 1, is only the beginning of a whole new phase.

Incidentally what CCA did she choose? Well, she had told me she wanted Bowling as first choice and then ODAC (Outdoor Activities Club) as second choice and IJ Mission as third choice. But on that day, she surprised us when she told us she'd signed up for the new uniformed group - National Cadet Civil Defence Force! Our jaws hung open when she first told us. Then, struggling to be laidback, to let her make her choice and yet not wanting her to make disasterous choices, KH and I fumbled our way painfully to say a variety of the following:

"WHAT? I thought you said you wanted Bowling?? But... (deep breaths)... it is YOUR choice. You should make up your own mind. BUT you should think very very VERY carefully. Think hard about whether it is what you really want. Think very very hard. Because there is no turning back. Because once you sign up, you can't change CCA and that will last you for FIVE years. Think about that! Are you sure you want to be NCCDF for five years??"

"Bowling is good what... you always said you liked it. Are you SURE about the NCCDF?"

"Oh yeah? What's so fun about NCCDF huh??? There is nothing remotely fun about rolling up and running with a humongously heavy water hose in the hot sun I tell ya!"

"Bowling is fun right? I thought you liked it... And the ODAC is also fun... dragon boating, roller blading... What? No, the NCCDF people only showed you the fun stuff but that's only once in a blue blue blue moon - when you have camp, not all the time. Most of the time you'll be marching marching marching!"

"Rolling hoses!"

"And you'll have to go to the Civil Defence Academy. In Jurong!! Do you know how far that is? Bowling is just down the road at Chinese Swimming Club. And dragon boating is at Bedok Reservoir - right next to mummy's office - we can go home together!"

"Better think carefully... but its your choice."

"You decide."

And so on. Finally she said: Okay, wait here. Dashed off. Came back and said: Okay, I cancelled it. All my friends also cancelled. They joined badminton instead.

She signed up for bowling eventually. But there are only 8 places so she'll go for the selection trials on Wed. Then second choice she kept to ODAC - and she will go for the selection trials then too. I think she would do well in either bowling or ODAC - look at her big frame, her big shoulders and arms! Lots of power there...

I think I need to work on my mum anxiety level. And learn to LET GO!