Life After Death

I just sat through two hours of ploughing through the forum posts on Marc's death at the singaporebikes.com forum. Some posts left me smiling, some posts left me teary. The number of people who remembered Marc for his smile! He was a nice guy and that shone through in the number of tributes his fellow bikers paid him. I was so moved to read them.

Uncle B and Aunty P also posted a message thanking everyone for their support during this time.

I have uploaded his funeral pictures on the web album. For now, it is only open to Aunty P and family. I think they might want to post pictures of the bikers convoy on singaporebikes.com too. Will leave it to them to do so and not jump the gun here.

Reading the posts on singaporebikes.com helped me feel a bit better. I also feel a bit more resigned towards the a****** who was responsible for Marc's death. Slugging my handbag about his head will not bring Marc back. It might help me feel better though! But honestly, there is no point in feeling bitter and angry. Marc is gone. Gone is gone.

On New Year's Day, we all paid a visit to granddad in the Holy Trinity columbarium. Aunty P came as well. She looked tired and very fragile emotionally. R still looked shell-shocked. I think only Uncle B's immense strength is holding things up. We all had a word with granddad quietly in our hearts. Its been 6 years already. Then Aunty P choked up when she told granddad that Marc was gone and to ask granddad to take care of his grandson. Who didn't tear up then?

Later I gave Aunty P a hug and told her: well, Marc is not only with granddad now, but also with Aunty Sam! Ah the indomitable Sam Tan. What a lovely woman and a generous, fun and strong and delightful personality. She's not my blood-related aunt but Uncle B's sister, and therefore Marc's direct aunt. I'd gotten to know her as a child and really liked/enjoyed her gung-ho, free-spirited, fun, happy-go-lucky ways. She was a grand great gal! She lived life passionately too. She died of cancer some years ago and is still remembered in my prayers. And that was one thing that cheered me up a bit - that Marc is now with Aunty Sam! Aunty Sam would take good care of him.

My prayer list for loved ones gone away is getting longer. And I can never seem to finish reciting the names of them all before the priest carries on with the rest of the mass. I always frantically try to say them all, but usually, its the faces that come to me and not the names. I told mum this the other day and she said ah well, God knows who they are already. When you get older, it can only get longer.

But for the record, here is my complete list:

Marc
Granddad
Ah Ma
Kong Kong
Aunty Kitty
Aunty Catherine
Aunty Sam
My father-in-law
My grandmother-in-law
Baby Paul Emmaus
My friend Kenneth's nephew
Eileen (my Library kaki and colleague)
Mrs Ng my geography teacher
Mrs Thwaites my Literature teacher (the singing gorgon)
Bonny Hicks (yes the model/writer who lived the infamous high life - to me, she would always only be just my school mate, the beautiful girl with the shy smile who lived a floor below me, with her sausage dog and her siamese cat)

So God, now you know. Bless them all and give them rest in Your house. And may they be my welcoming committee when its my turn to go.

What do I mean by that?

I've heard beautiful things about life after death. Mostly my images are shaped by my Catholic upbringing. But there are other things too - shaped by shifting dreams. My friend Kenneth, who lost his brother-in-law and young nephew in a bad car accident, said that his mother so wracked by grief and injury from the same car accident, had a dream that her grandson was playing in a beautiful meadow full of green and flowers with many other children playing and running around. He looked well and told her not to worry, he was in a good place and he was happy. Wow - a meadow filled with flowers, full of happy children.

Well, whether it is a meadow, a palace with many rooms (so says the bible!) or cloudy terrain with angel harpists and choirs, whatever your image of life after may be, I believe in it. It's there waiting.

Being Catholic, we are always told that we should pray for those who have died and to remember them, because they too remember us and pray for us. And at the time of our death, they may be the ones to come welcome us. One memorable account of this is taken from Joan Hon's lovely book about the late Hon Sui Sen. Ms Hon (also a Catholic) was writing about the deathbed of her aunt, a gentle, loving woman from all accounts. This lady was dying and in the minutes before her death, there was an incident which seemed to indicate that she was greeted by the soul of her long-dead teacher/mentor whom she had loved and who had loved her dearly too. She passed away not long after.

Experiences closer to home are my own dreams of my kong-kong - a black and white dream of all of us on this windswept hill-top, far below us a sparkling sea. We (his whole family) were seated in ringed tiers of wooden pews. We could see kong-kong and while I can't remember the words or any conversation, I just got the feeling that he was alright now, at peace. This came years after his death - because he died when I was 5 - and I had this dream only a year or so ago. Mum also had dreams of granddad in church with her and then taking a bus with her, looking neat and well and telling her he was fine.

Of course there were all those that we learnt about purgatory, about why prayers are needful - the dead are still part of our family just as we are part of theirs. We're just in different places at the same time. Praying helps to connect us. We remember them this way, we think about them. And vice versa. And right up to our own death, as we go on to life after that, they will be right there, smiling and ready to greet us and bring us home.

I don't know how true this is or how far off I am from Catholic doctrine, but I read this somewhere and it always seemed nice for me to know that on Christmas Day 1000 souls are released from purgatory to join the angels in heaven. And who comes to greet them home? Mother Mary of course. Lovely image isn't it? I find this so comforting, especially now.

I have always believed that there is a better place after this earth. What comforts me is knowing that the people we love who have gone on are now there, or on their way there.

And I strongly believe in what I told Aunty P: that Marc is now with granddad and with Aunty Sam, who will surely look after him. We have to keep praying for him, knowing that one day, when its our turn to go, they will be right there waiting for us. And knowing this, how can we fear death?