Leading a gay life!

So what prompts this post?

1. Reading about MM's views on potentially legalising homosexuality in Singapore. He calls it 'idiosyncrasies'. I think it's a bit patronising to label it as such. I think the issue is a lot more than just an 'idiosyncrasy' or even a 'lifestyle choice'.

2. Reading posts in AP about mothers who come up in arms against this. One mother I know wants to keep her daughters 'pure'. I laud the thought - but I am troubled because I just don't know how possible this will be. Call me a realist but today, in this world we live in, the grimy fingers of the R.O.W (rest of the world) may be more agile than the protective arms of mothers. And sometimes I also think being protective might actually do more harm than good.

3. Discussing with dear friends over a recent dinner, about homosexuality. A friend with a 15-year-old daughter in an all-girls' school says this is rampant today and worries for her girl. A pal whom I always thought was tres liberal shared her disapproval of homosexuality. All at the table thought it was 'unnatural' and 'against God'.

4. Watching Little Miss Sunshine with the children.

First off, let me say that Little Miss Sunshine is a great movie! A black comedy - well-fleshed out characters, great ensemble acting all round. It is dead funny, yet achingly sad in places.

Yes it is not a movie recommended for children. There are no sex scenes, but there is liberal use of profanity, scenes of drug usage and of course, one of the characters is gay. But I chose to watch with Isaac and Caitlin.

I do this because (1) I wanted to watch it and did not want to wait until the dead of night when all were asleep because chances are, I too would be sound asleep! These days my bio alarm clock is set for sleep at 10pm tops! And (2) these are issues worth talking about and these include drug use, suicide, profanity and homosexuality. I don't believe in shielding the children. I think bad/foul language is everywhere - even in schools. Ditto homosexuality and drug use. What's more important is to bring these issues out into the open and to talk about it. And even if they don't understand all of it, they know that at least their mum would be there to talk about this with them when they are ready to ask more or discuss these in greater depths.

In any case, they took the movie quite well. Apart from a brief discussion on drug use, they took the homosexuality angle in their stride and seemed more caught up in the comic and farcical elements of the movie.

One scene early in the movie sums up the whole attitude of a discussion on homosexuality.

Olive's (the little girl) uncle is the homosexual, a brilliant scholar who attempted suicide after a failed love affair. In this scene I am talking about, Olive asked Uncle Frank how he got hurt. When it transpired that he had tried to kill himself, she was aghast and open-mouthed, but not condemning. She asked why. He explained about the failed love affair etc. And when it came out that he was in love with another man, her jaw dropped. But again, significantly, she was non-condemning. It just seemed bizarre to her that a man could love another man, but not necessarily 'wrong'. Throughout this exchange, her neurotic but failed motivational speaker dad (wonderfully acted by Greg Kinnear) was gesticulating and interjecting and basically trying to head off where the conversation was going. I thought his response was typical of most people/parents: don't talk about it. Pretend it does not exist. Not a good conversation for children etc. I also thought Olive's wide-eyed trusting acceptance was telling. Children do tend to be less judgemental than adults.

So what are my views? And what do I hope my kids will take away re the issue of homosexuality?

I have gay friends. Some of the most brilliant (and nicest) people I know are gay. Being a homosexual does not mean they are less of a human being or that their morals are suspect. It may not be socially acceptable to many, yes, but I'd like to see people as individuals not as stereotypes and I hope my kids do too. I think I would be more worried for them to live in a world of judgemental intolerance.

As for this thing about sexual orientation being a 'choice', I don't know how true this is. There is some research to show that sexual orientation may possibly be decided in the early days of life in the womb, by the hormonal levels of testosterone and estrogen that wash through a woman's body. And if this is so, the idea of homosexuality being a 'lifestyle' choice may not stand for long.

During my dinner with my friends, someone asked if I would mind if one of my kids turned out to be homosexual. I honestly don't know. I don't think so. I just want my children to be able to form happy, lasting, committed and meaningful relationships - to find someone they love and who loves them dearly, enough to commit for a lifetime. If push comes to shove, I'd rather still have my child in my life than wedge a distance between us just because I cannot come to terms with a choice that does not agree with mine.

And re what my friend was worried about - 'homosexuality' in schools. I think it is normal for one to have crushes on someone else of the same sex. I had one too - a big crush when I was in Sec 1 on a Sec 3 girl. Big deal. It died a quick death when I discovered boys existed! ;-)

I have to say though, that I draw the line between extravagant displays of physical affection - be it between a hetero or homo sexual couple. Couple of weeks ago on the MRT I was aghast to see a young (very young - likely to be 16 or 17 years old?) lesbian couple, going at it in full view of all the passengers. The 'guy' took pains to look male (though I think this came across as more Ah Beng than butch so I guess that meant it worked??) while the 'girl' was really a sweet, feminine young thing in a mini-skirt. They were groping and snogging away and I didn't know where to look! Once or twice, the 'guy' caught my eye and I thought I detected a faint look of defiance. I don't take exception to the idea of lesbianism. I take exception to the exhibitionism!

Legalising homosexuality is moot point to me. With the current culture we live in, homosexuality has already moved in, unpacked and got its feet up with a cuppa - although right now more in a basement home than a penthouse!

For me and my kids, whether its homosexuality, heterosexuality etc, I think it is just very important to keep the channels open and as a parent, not to be afraid or be too squeamish to talk about these issues. So if it ever comes to this being a choice they have to make, hopefully they know my door is open. How to let them know this? I am guessing and playing by ear and so I am likely to screw up but I suspect being open, watching movies like Little Miss Sunshine together, reading the news, books etc, dinner table talk, not shying away etc?

Also important to me is to help them grow up to be tolerant and understanding that the world is made up of so many different people with different backgrounds and lifestyles. And the tricky bit I guess is how to help them hold on to their own values and ideals in a world like this, and yet not judge others by these same values. I must confess I don't quite know how to do this - since I can be quite judgemental myself. :-) But I shall try.