It is late by my standards. 10.40pm. I am usually in dreamland by now. But tonight, I am still surfing, listening to some jazz, Trinity sound asleep in my arms.
The house is quiet and still. The lights downstairs are off. Only the Christmas tree lights are twinkling and giving off a glow. Everyone else is asleep. Owain though, is still awake and sitting in a corner quietly making robots with his big duplo blocks. He has graduated to the smaller Lego bricks but still prefers to use the duplo. Once in a while, he looks up and tells me something about his robots or asks me to admire his work. I do - they're really nice squat symmetrical little pieces. Can you tell? I am proud of these achievements.
Ah now he's come over for his fix of nen-nen. One moment a bigger boy, serious and busy with his imagination and hands, the next, still my babe, still needing me for his nen-nen.
Maybe it's something about the music or the cool rainy breeze blowing in, but I am drifting back through time tonight. Specifically to another cool and rainy night when I am 16 and attending a 'function' at Futura. My then-boyfriend is sitting next to me. We are sitting on the steps of the lobby waiting for my dad to come pick me up. The party ended early because of unexpected rain and strong winds. While everyone else has either gone home or headed up to Agus' penthouse, we are sitting down here waiting. It is a nice cool night. I have a stuffed cat in my lap - a present from (now this I can't remember) a friend? Or my boyfriend?
We're just sitting, holding hands and talking, enjoying the cool breeze, when out of the blue, he plants a soft kiss on my cheek. I am taken by surprise but before I can say anything, we are bathed in the glare of headlights. Dad pulls up and the boyfriend quickly pulls away and greets my dad. I hustle into the car and the moment is gone. For some reason tonight, I remember that moment, back in time. It was my first kiss.
Life is full of special unexpected moments. And when you're a teenager facing a tumult of emotions, the heady mix of invincibility and passion of youth, you think this is how it will always be and you try so hard to keep the moment alive. But of course, we can't. And so while we may grow up, marry someone else, have children, grow old, I think there is always something in us that remembers those special first moments. And hopefully, if I can still remember these and if they are still meaningful to me and if I can still grasp the import of these 'first moments', then hopefully I will be sensitive to my children's own coming-of-age.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Nursing rooms
Was out on my own last week - in orchard road. Had to express milk in the middle of the afternoon. So I headed for Takashimaya's nursing rooms. The nursing room had two other mothers in there nursing their babies.
I asked politely if I could join them as I needed to express milk. One mom showed me where the outlets were but I was hand expressing, so no need for any power.
I sat there in a corner, t-shirt tugged up, bra undone, surreptitiously hand expressing into a bottle. I don't know why but I felt vaguely uncomfortable. Both other moms were nursing their babies and didn't seem inclined to make conversation. Maybe they were shy or didn't know how to make conversation with a half-naked woman vigourously milking her boobs! Either way I got a sense that people were uncomfortable and the discomfort was infectious!
I was surprised at myself being so uncomfy. I am usually not prudish. I usually enjoy talking to other nursing mothers when I do have to nurse/express in nursing rooms, imagining a sisterhood among us. But this time, I actually had to turn my body halfway towards the wall and work fast - and of course, the more 'kan cheong spider' I became, the poorer the letdown!
It got me thinking about nursing rooms and where a hand-expresser like me could express milk without facing a silent wall of disapproval. Does this mean that I should hand express in the loo? But why should I? I would not feed my babe in the loo so why should I hand express there? Why would it be wrong to sit in a semi-public nursing room and hand express? Is it me? Or am I just picking up on their vibes?
The whole concept of nursing room means nursing away from public view. It is something that does not sit right with me. Because why should mothers hide away to nurse their babes? I do appreciate that having a nursing room is useful in a pinch for expressers who need a place to express milk without resorting to the loo. But I guess there is the ick factor for moms to deal with when they come face to face (or face to boob!) with a mom like me.
Perhaps we're so divorced from the reality that yeah, breastfeeding does involve the boobies and yeah, this is what they look like and what they do? We're all so covered up when we're nursing - even in the nursing rooms, and when we pump, there's always the technology/machinery as a shield. So I don't blame moms for being disconcerted, but I do hope we'll all just live and let live, know what I mean?
The sight of naked breasts are still very much linked to M18 films or National Geographic docus. But a pair of them in the nursing room of Takashimaya? Erm....
Was out on my own last week - in orchard road. Had to express milk in the middle of the afternoon. So I headed for Takashimaya's nursing rooms. The nursing room had two other mothers in there nursing their babies.
I asked politely if I could join them as I needed to express milk. One mom showed me where the outlets were but I was hand expressing, so no need for any power.
I sat there in a corner, t-shirt tugged up, bra undone, surreptitiously hand expressing into a bottle. I don't know why but I felt vaguely uncomfortable. Both other moms were nursing their babies and didn't seem inclined to make conversation. Maybe they were shy or didn't know how to make conversation with a half-naked woman vigourously milking her boobs! Either way I got a sense that people were uncomfortable and the discomfort was infectious!
I was surprised at myself being so uncomfy. I am usually not prudish. I usually enjoy talking to other nursing mothers when I do have to nurse/express in nursing rooms, imagining a sisterhood among us. But this time, I actually had to turn my body halfway towards the wall and work fast - and of course, the more 'kan cheong spider' I became, the poorer the letdown!
It got me thinking about nursing rooms and where a hand-expresser like me could express milk without facing a silent wall of disapproval. Does this mean that I should hand express in the loo? But why should I? I would not feed my babe in the loo so why should I hand express there? Why would it be wrong to sit in a semi-public nursing room and hand express? Is it me? Or am I just picking up on their vibes?
The whole concept of nursing room means nursing away from public view. It is something that does not sit right with me. Because why should mothers hide away to nurse their babes? I do appreciate that having a nursing room is useful in a pinch for expressers who need a place to express milk without resorting to the loo. But I guess there is the ick factor for moms to deal with when they come face to face (or face to boob!) with a mom like me.
Perhaps we're so divorced from the reality that yeah, breastfeeding does involve the boobies and yeah, this is what they look like and what they do? We're all so covered up when we're nursing - even in the nursing rooms, and when we pump, there's always the technology/machinery as a shield. So I don't blame moms for being disconcerted, but I do hope we'll all just live and let live, know what I mean?
The sight of naked breasts are still very much linked to M18 films or National Geographic docus. But a pair of them in the nursing room of Takashimaya? Erm....
Crying it out
S* asked what I believe about crying it out.
For a start, I believe babies cry because that is the only way they can communicate until they acquire some language. I also believe that babies cry for good reasons. Yes, they do cry to get attention, they do cry to get you to do something, but what is so bad about that? They are babies after all and they won't be babies forever. But until they are able to meet their own needs in terms of security and confidence, in soothing themselves, as parents, we'll just have to fill those needs.
Everything I have read about how babies' brains develop and the impact of stress on the growing baby, about how emotions, memories shape cognition and development, personality and character, just reinforces what I believe about not letting a baby cry it out.
Mother nature has already given us the tools for mothering. Birth, and breastfeeding in particular, produces hormones that promote mothering behaviour - prolactin, oxytocin etc. These hormones help us feel protective, they slow us down (feeling relaxed and sleepy) to mother and to be attuned, sensitive to the needs of the baby/child. They promote the warm fuzzy feel-good feelings - oxytocin's main job. After a while, the hormonal dance gets so intricate and so well-co-ordinated that even the sound of a baby's cry, or the smell of his skin, can cause milk to let-down, causes our hearts to race and instinctively, we look to respond.
That is precisely why, if you ask the mothers who try the CIO methods, why they feel so gut-wrenched when they leave their babies to cry it out. Hormonally, we are wired to mother, to respond to a cry of distress. But CIO techniques go against the grain of the mothering nature. And CIO techniques are created by culture, not nature. Yes the literature promotes CIO, supports the idea that babies should be taught to be 'independent', to learn to 'self-soothe', to learn to sleep according to schedule. But who writes these books? How well do they understand the biology of parenting? What are the benefits to the baby who is taught to 'sleep through the night'? Where is the value?
The doctor on one website says that by teaching a child to fall asleep on her own, "you will be teaching her some very valuable skills! Although this is extremely difficult, it is really worth the struggle. To be successful in life she needs to learn how to put herself to sleep. When she does, she, and you will be much happier."
What are these 'valuable skills'? And why are we in such a hurry to teach these? How does success in life relate to a need to put oneself to sleep? I think children have no problem going to sleep. The issue is WHEN they go to sleep and for HOW LONG - and who has an issue with this? The parents.
I believe there is a lot of money to be made by experts telling anxious mothers and fathers what to do and offering solutions that may work for the adult but not the child. They tell us what we want to hear - that there is a solution, that we CAN train babies, that it will be better for everyone in the end. But is it really?
We trust the 'experts' - the doctors, the writers, the child development specialists etc - more than we trust our instincts as parents, more than we trust in our ability to communicate with and understand our babies.
As adults, if we are told to do a task which we feel ill-prepared for, we would naturally feel stressed, afraid, anxious. So will babies. The only difference is that we can articulate how we feel and the babies can't - they can only cry.
To leave a baby to cry it out sends certain signals to the baby - chiefly that their needs do not matter, their needs are not valid. It is a glitch in the correct communication cycle where baby signals a need and a response is given.
How does this build trust? Or independence? Or security? I believe independence cannot be forced, that babies will learn to self-soothe and to sleep 'through the night' when they are ready for it and not before. To force a child to do so by ignoring his cries would be to place him in a situation where he has no control - and this can be a very frightening place for a child who is unable to verbalise his fears or rationalise why mom or dad won't come and help him when he cries. Come to think of it, it would be frightening to anyone caught
The psychological impact of such stress may have far-reaching consequences. Yes, in the short term, you may 'teach' or 'train' a child to sleep. But what the child really learns is that his cry has no value, that no matter how hard or how long he cries, mom and dad are not going to come.
Physically, there are also significant changes that take place when the baby is under stress. Heart rate goes up, blood pressure shoots up, respiration becomes more rapid, catecholamines are released in large amounts, cortisol level also shoots up. If the body is constantly exposed to stress in a stressful environment, it can and will affect growth and cognitive development because the child is constantly in a fight-or-flight mode. So emotionally, mentally, physically, the child is affected.
See position paper on controlled crying or CIO techniques:
http://www.aaimhi.org/documents/position%20papers/controlled_crying.pdf
While I do believe that as children grow older, they will be able to benefit from the structure of having a daily routine. But this is really an age-appropriate issue which hinges on readiness, on language acquisition as well.
S* asked what I believe about crying it out.
For a start, I believe babies cry because that is the only way they can communicate until they acquire some language. I also believe that babies cry for good reasons. Yes, they do cry to get attention, they do cry to get you to do something, but what is so bad about that? They are babies after all and they won't be babies forever. But until they are able to meet their own needs in terms of security and confidence, in soothing themselves, as parents, we'll just have to fill those needs.
Everything I have read about how babies' brains develop and the impact of stress on the growing baby, about how emotions, memories shape cognition and development, personality and character, just reinforces what I believe about not letting a baby cry it out.
Mother nature has already given us the tools for mothering. Birth, and breastfeeding in particular, produces hormones that promote mothering behaviour - prolactin, oxytocin etc. These hormones help us feel protective, they slow us down (feeling relaxed and sleepy) to mother and to be attuned, sensitive to the needs of the baby/child. They promote the warm fuzzy feel-good feelings - oxytocin's main job. After a while, the hormonal dance gets so intricate and so well-co-ordinated that even the sound of a baby's cry, or the smell of his skin, can cause milk to let-down, causes our hearts to race and instinctively, we look to respond.
That is precisely why, if you ask the mothers who try the CIO methods, why they feel so gut-wrenched when they leave their babies to cry it out. Hormonally, we are wired to mother, to respond to a cry of distress. But CIO techniques go against the grain of the mothering nature. And CIO techniques are created by culture, not nature. Yes the literature promotes CIO, supports the idea that babies should be taught to be 'independent', to learn to 'self-soothe', to learn to sleep according to schedule. But who writes these books? How well do they understand the biology of parenting? What are the benefits to the baby who is taught to 'sleep through the night'? Where is the value?
The doctor on one website says that by teaching a child to fall asleep on her own, "you will be teaching her some very valuable skills! Although this is extremely difficult, it is really worth the struggle. To be successful in life she needs to learn how to put herself to sleep. When she does, she, and you will be much happier."
What are these 'valuable skills'? And why are we in such a hurry to teach these? How does success in life relate to a need to put oneself to sleep? I think children have no problem going to sleep. The issue is WHEN they go to sleep and for HOW LONG - and who has an issue with this? The parents.
I believe there is a lot of money to be made by experts telling anxious mothers and fathers what to do and offering solutions that may work for the adult but not the child. They tell us what we want to hear - that there is a solution, that we CAN train babies, that it will be better for everyone in the end. But is it really?
We trust the 'experts' - the doctors, the writers, the child development specialists etc - more than we trust our instincts as parents, more than we trust in our ability to communicate with and understand our babies.
As adults, if we are told to do a task which we feel ill-prepared for, we would naturally feel stressed, afraid, anxious. So will babies. The only difference is that we can articulate how we feel and the babies can't - they can only cry.
To leave a baby to cry it out sends certain signals to the baby - chiefly that their needs do not matter, their needs are not valid. It is a glitch in the correct communication cycle where baby signals a need and a response is given.
How does this build trust? Or independence? Or security? I believe independence cannot be forced, that babies will learn to self-soothe and to sleep 'through the night' when they are ready for it and not before. To force a child to do so by ignoring his cries would be to place him in a situation where he has no control - and this can be a very frightening place for a child who is unable to verbalise his fears or rationalise why mom or dad won't come and help him when he cries. Come to think of it, it would be frightening to anyone caught
The psychological impact of such stress may have far-reaching consequences. Yes, in the short term, you may 'teach' or 'train' a child to sleep. But what the child really learns is that his cry has no value, that no matter how hard or how long he cries, mom and dad are not going to come.
Physically, there are also significant changes that take place when the baby is under stress. Heart rate goes up, blood pressure shoots up, respiration becomes more rapid, catecholamines are released in large amounts, cortisol level also shoots up. If the body is constantly exposed to stress in a stressful environment, it can and will affect growth and cognitive development because the child is constantly in a fight-or-flight mode. So emotionally, mentally, physically, the child is affected.
See position paper on controlled crying or CIO techniques:
http://www.aaimhi.org/documents/position%20papers/controlled_crying.pdf
While I do believe that as children grow older, they will be able to benefit from the structure of having a daily routine. But this is really an age-appropriate issue which hinges on readiness, on language acquisition as well.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
La Dolce Vita
I am up to my neck in work - both in the office, at at home, racing to complete course work etc. But that has not stopped me from fantasing. And planning the trip to Europe next year.
Tentatively I know I want to cover Rome, Venice (for mom). It will be my third time back to Rome and Venice. I am a bit tired of Rome but cannot get enough of Venice. KH says we should live there for a year - ah, pipe dream! But what a lovely one... The nooks and crannies of that ancient city, the twisting and turning of narrow streets flanked by silent canals, flagged by lines of laundry and potted plants, fanning out into tiny unexpected piazzas. There's so much to walk and absorb in Venice. I just love to walk and walk and get lost and when its time to go back to the hotel, just follow the per rialto or per san marco signs. And at nights - just sitting in St Mark's as the cafe orchestras play in a near empty square - you can't beat that kind of atmosphere and romance. So yes, I am still looking forward to Venice.
Still contemplating Assisi, Siena. Definitely one hilltown at least. Italy is not Italy without the hilltowns. But without car, the transfers from train to bus and vice versa might be a hassle. Pleasant puzzles to contemplate.
But this time, I am thinking of moving up to Austria. Not to Vienna (somehow the northern cities leave me cold) but just to Salzburg, and perhaps a day or two on idyllic Hallstattersee, population 1200. Then either west to Neuchwanstein castle in Bavaria or back down to Milan and the Italian lakes. I do think that an Italian holiday is not complete without some 'water' - be it the lakes (Como or Garda are my preferences) or the Cinque Terra in Liguria. And the quiet time by the water is always very therapeutic and healing. My mind keeps going back to Varenna on Como or the cliffside walk in Vernazza.
How nice to fantasise.
And who to bring? Well, baby Trinity certainly. But will it just be mom, me and babe? I always feel Europe is so incomplete without KH. And what about Mr RightBreast as mom teasingly calls Owain? Poor babe will be lost without his nen-nen for so many days!!
Am I getting ahead of myself? Will we even go?
I am up to my neck in work - both in the office, at at home, racing to complete course work etc. But that has not stopped me from fantasing. And planning the trip to Europe next year.
Tentatively I know I want to cover Rome, Venice (for mom). It will be my third time back to Rome and Venice. I am a bit tired of Rome but cannot get enough of Venice. KH says we should live there for a year - ah, pipe dream! But what a lovely one... The nooks and crannies of that ancient city, the twisting and turning of narrow streets flanked by silent canals, flagged by lines of laundry and potted plants, fanning out into tiny unexpected piazzas. There's so much to walk and absorb in Venice. I just love to walk and walk and get lost and when its time to go back to the hotel, just follow the per rialto or per san marco signs. And at nights - just sitting in St Mark's as the cafe orchestras play in a near empty square - you can't beat that kind of atmosphere and romance. So yes, I am still looking forward to Venice.
Still contemplating Assisi, Siena. Definitely one hilltown at least. Italy is not Italy without the hilltowns. But without car, the transfers from train to bus and vice versa might be a hassle. Pleasant puzzles to contemplate.
But this time, I am thinking of moving up to Austria. Not to Vienna (somehow the northern cities leave me cold) but just to Salzburg, and perhaps a day or two on idyllic Hallstattersee, population 1200. Then either west to Neuchwanstein castle in Bavaria or back down to Milan and the Italian lakes. I do think that an Italian holiday is not complete without some 'water' - be it the lakes (Como or Garda are my preferences) or the Cinque Terra in Liguria. And the quiet time by the water is always very therapeutic and healing. My mind keeps going back to Varenna on Como or the cliffside walk in Vernazza.
How nice to fantasise.
And who to bring? Well, baby Trinity certainly. But will it just be mom, me and babe? I always feel Europe is so incomplete without KH. And what about Mr RightBreast as mom teasingly calls Owain? Poor babe will be lost without his nen-nen for so many days!!
Am I getting ahead of myself? Will we even go?
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Stammering for help!
Was having usual morning brekkie and chat with KH today when he casually mentioned: Eh, you know Owain does not stammer as much these days ya?
I stop and think and you know, he's right. I say: yeah, probably because I am nursing him more these days?
I was trying to cut back on nursing because my nipples were so sore but because they are recently looking better, I have been nursing him more often and fobbing him off less. And yes, coincidence or not, it tallies with the stammering getting less.
KH comments then that our children cannot take 'cold turkey' treatment. Its too traumatising for them. I agree and say - maybe not just our children but probably all children. We can't just cut them off like that, it will affect them in some way.
KH, being very insightful today, says: well, that's the thing isn't it? If we just insist on OUR way and force it on the child, something will surely snap. Maybe we won't see it today, or even tomorrow. It may not show up for years and even then, the child or adult may not link it to what happened in his childhood, but then again, it just might.
KH himself stammers and recalls that it took him half an hour to get a sentence out once, when he was a child! Over the years, he managed to get it under control and stammers much less but once in a while, a word will still get him. He does believe though, that this happened because he was forced to be a right-hander instead of the lefty he believes he was born to be. He still favours his left - left master eye, carries bags on the left, kicks with left foot during soccer etc. He believes that somehow, the brain, when forced to shift/change direction, must have over-compensated and left him with the stammer.
Today's conversation reinforces what I believe re crying it out, co-sleeping, breastfeeding etc. At every age, they have their needs and if we just push through what we want at the expense of their needs, something invisible, intangible in them, will surely give.
As for Owain, I am glad that his stammering is getting less. I will certainly nurse him more, now that my boobies are feeling a little happier.
Though I have to say he looked darn cute trying to get his words out!
Was having usual morning brekkie and chat with KH today when he casually mentioned: Eh, you know Owain does not stammer as much these days ya?
I stop and think and you know, he's right. I say: yeah, probably because I am nursing him more these days?
I was trying to cut back on nursing because my nipples were so sore but because they are recently looking better, I have been nursing him more often and fobbing him off less. And yes, coincidence or not, it tallies with the stammering getting less.
KH comments then that our children cannot take 'cold turkey' treatment. Its too traumatising for them. I agree and say - maybe not just our children but probably all children. We can't just cut them off like that, it will affect them in some way.
KH, being very insightful today, says: well, that's the thing isn't it? If we just insist on OUR way and force it on the child, something will surely snap. Maybe we won't see it today, or even tomorrow. It may not show up for years and even then, the child or adult may not link it to what happened in his childhood, but then again, it just might.
KH himself stammers and recalls that it took him half an hour to get a sentence out once, when he was a child! Over the years, he managed to get it under control and stammers much less but once in a while, a word will still get him. He does believe though, that this happened because he was forced to be a right-hander instead of the lefty he believes he was born to be. He still favours his left - left master eye, carries bags on the left, kicks with left foot during soccer etc. He believes that somehow, the brain, when forced to shift/change direction, must have over-compensated and left him with the stammer.
Today's conversation reinforces what I believe re crying it out, co-sleeping, breastfeeding etc. At every age, they have their needs and if we just push through what we want at the expense of their needs, something invisible, intangible in them, will surely give.
As for Owain, I am glad that his stammering is getting less. I will certainly nurse him more, now that my boobies are feeling a little happier.
Though I have to say he looked darn cute trying to get his words out!
Monday, November 20, 2006
as kryptonite is to superman
Its the end of the year and time for the round of Parent-Teacher meetings. Isaac did very well, topping his class in three of the subjects, failing in Chinese as usual. But this time, surprise surprise, there was actually an improvement. Last year, he was last in class for Chinese - beaten by even his Indian, ang-moh classmates! This year, he was third from the bottom and had registered a 100% increase in marks gained - that is, he used to get 7, now he's got 15! We think its due to Kumon and we're hoping that he will be able to buck up enough to at least pass chinese in the PSLE.
Mr Philip, his form teacher, related this to us - he was invigilating the chinese composition paper and was walking around the class when he stopped at Isaac's desk. Our friend had, on his entire sheet of paper, TWO lines. Mr Philip said: "I couldn't say a lot but I had to drop a hint, so I told him - I think you better write some more. I went round the class again and when I came back to him, it was still just two lines!!" Mr Philip added: "Chinese to him is like kryptonite to superman!"
Its the end of the year and time for the round of Parent-Teacher meetings. Isaac did very well, topping his class in three of the subjects, failing in Chinese as usual. But this time, surprise surprise, there was actually an improvement. Last year, he was last in class for Chinese - beaten by even his Indian, ang-moh classmates! This year, he was third from the bottom and had registered a 100% increase in marks gained - that is, he used to get 7, now he's got 15! We think its due to Kumon and we're hoping that he will be able to buck up enough to at least pass chinese in the PSLE.
Mr Philip, his form teacher, related this to us - he was invigilating the chinese composition paper and was walking around the class when he stopped at Isaac's desk. Our friend had, on his entire sheet of paper, TWO lines. Mr Philip said: "I couldn't say a lot but I had to drop a hint, so I told him - I think you better write some more. I went round the class again and when I came back to him, it was still just two lines!!" Mr Philip added: "Chinese to him is like kryptonite to superman!"
Monday, November 13, 2006
Standoff at the Riang corral part 2
Sunday and we were out for lunch at Zi Yean, a new dim sum favourite with us. The drama started when we were getting out of the car. KH told Owain that he was not going to carry him and the little guy had to walk. It was not far - just less than 30m to the table.
The little guy refused.
The rest of us left the dad to get on with it while we went to the restaurant, placed our order etc. 15min later and KH still did not appear. Instead, Gillian came back and reported: mum, Owain does not want to get out of the car and dad asked you to go over.
So I went. As I approached the car, I saw a family - granny, adult kids, grandkids - huddling near our car, pointing to Owain, tsk-tsking away. I saw Owain's round face through the car windows, eyes screwed shut and mouth wide open wailing away. I saw KH's grim face. Ahh... okay. I get it: standoff.
KH didn't say a word. He walked away as I came. The other family continued standing there watching us quite openly. I guess they are wondering how I will handle this.
I told Owain: wait, let me get a tissue. He sniffled. I wiped his face, neck, shirt, hands - all full of saliva and tears. I asked: where are your shoes? He turned around and got them. Put them on. Come on down from the car. Hold my hand. Wait here while I lock the car. Come on, lets see the fish - ooh that one's dying! Come on, let's go and eat. And he did it - everything I told him to. No fuss.
The other family watching smiled in relief and one of them chucked Owain fondly on the cheek. I smiled back at them.
KH later told me that he knew that it was a standoff because Owain refused to budge and insisted on being carried while he, being The Dad, refused to relent and carry him. So he figured it was time for a neutral party to step in and defuse the situation. He said he could forsee getting into more standoffs with Owain, Cait and possibly Trinity in future. All three are very strong-willed personalities.
Sunday and we were out for lunch at Zi Yean, a new dim sum favourite with us. The drama started when we were getting out of the car. KH told Owain that he was not going to carry him and the little guy had to walk. It was not far - just less than 30m to the table.
The little guy refused.
The rest of us left the dad to get on with it while we went to the restaurant, placed our order etc. 15min later and KH still did not appear. Instead, Gillian came back and reported: mum, Owain does not want to get out of the car and dad asked you to go over.
So I went. As I approached the car, I saw a family - granny, adult kids, grandkids - huddling near our car, pointing to Owain, tsk-tsking away. I saw Owain's round face through the car windows, eyes screwed shut and mouth wide open wailing away. I saw KH's grim face. Ahh... okay. I get it: standoff.
KH didn't say a word. He walked away as I came. The other family continued standing there watching us quite openly. I guess they are wondering how I will handle this.
I told Owain: wait, let me get a tissue. He sniffled. I wiped his face, neck, shirt, hands - all full of saliva and tears. I asked: where are your shoes? He turned around and got them. Put them on. Come on down from the car. Hold my hand. Wait here while I lock the car. Come on, lets see the fish - ooh that one's dying! Come on, let's go and eat. And he did it - everything I told him to. No fuss.
The other family watching smiled in relief and one of them chucked Owain fondly on the cheek. I smiled back at them.
KH later told me that he knew that it was a standoff because Owain refused to budge and insisted on being carried while he, being The Dad, refused to relent and carry him. So he figured it was time for a neutral party to step in and defuse the situation. He said he could forsee getting into more standoffs with Owain, Cait and possibly Trinity in future. All three are very strong-willed personalities.
Standoff at the Riang corral 1
I seem to now have an 11-year-old on my hands who would either (a) engage in heated debate with me or (b) stare sullenly at the ground refusing to answer whenever we go head-to-head. It seems to be the start of the adolescent/teenhood "you-don't-understand-me" phase?
Just on Friday, she yelled at a neighbour's kid to "Get out!" Loud enough to be heard several houses down the row. When I told her off, she came back with: "You never listen to me! You never listen to me even when I am telling you the truth!" and then as the conversation went off on an emotional tangent, she started counting off on her fingers the number of times she helped me carry the baby, gave me the thermometer when I was sick, kept everyone away from me to let me rest etc. Which prodded me to retort and say something which I thought I would never say:"If you want to count the number of times you did something for me, how about the number of times when I did something for you! Starting with the fact that I carried you for nine months and gave birth to you!"
Yikes, sounded like a bad soap opera script! As soon as I said it, I wanted to laugh. I didn't of course, but it did help cool me down pretty quickly though. The rest of the argument went on with her staring sullenly down at the floor. But I was calmer and at the end, she understood what I was talking about. By the time we finished, we were ok with one another and ended up playing a game of TextTwist on the computer together.
So what were we arguing about?
She felt that the neighbour's kid she was yelling at was never going to listen to her if she told him nicely to go home. My POV was: Try that first. She said: But the guy's a jerk! I agree - the guy is a jerk, one that is spoiled rotten to boot, one that has taken my stuff without my permission, stolen stuff from Isaac and told Cait to cover for him. So yes, the guy's a jerk. But you still shouldn't yell. What will the neighbours think? Her point was: she does not give a hoot what the neighbours think of her yelling at someone like that. My point was: she should, because it reflects poorly on her and on us as a family. The neighbours, after all, do not have the full picture of what this boy is and as people do, will only judge on what they see/know.
I don't know if I told her the right thing. I do see where she is coming from and I don't know if this stems from being oblivious and insensitive to the opinions of others or if she knows but just does not care, but she seems to think that people will not talk about bad behaviour and even if they do, she does not hear them and so she does not care. I can understand and admire part of that philosophy because I am somewhat like that myself.
I guess I am just worried. My relationship with her has been rocky at times and I am now beginning to see that she is no longer a little girl but getting to be a pretty vocal teen! Discipline is like walking a tightrope these days. How do you guide, be sensitive to her growing sense of self, not intrude unnecessarily? Without blowing your top? Particularly so with her ADHD, the impulsivity factor is so strong.
I seem to now have an 11-year-old on my hands who would either (a) engage in heated debate with me or (b) stare sullenly at the ground refusing to answer whenever we go head-to-head. It seems to be the start of the adolescent/teenhood "you-don't-understand-me" phase?
Just on Friday, she yelled at a neighbour's kid to "Get out!" Loud enough to be heard several houses down the row. When I told her off, she came back with: "You never listen to me! You never listen to me even when I am telling you the truth!" and then as the conversation went off on an emotional tangent, she started counting off on her fingers the number of times she helped me carry the baby, gave me the thermometer when I was sick, kept everyone away from me to let me rest etc. Which prodded me to retort and say something which I thought I would never say:"If you want to count the number of times you did something for me, how about the number of times when I did something for you! Starting with the fact that I carried you for nine months and gave birth to you!"
Yikes, sounded like a bad soap opera script! As soon as I said it, I wanted to laugh. I didn't of course, but it did help cool me down pretty quickly though. The rest of the argument went on with her staring sullenly down at the floor. But I was calmer and at the end, she understood what I was talking about. By the time we finished, we were ok with one another and ended up playing a game of TextTwist on the computer together.
So what were we arguing about?
She felt that the neighbour's kid she was yelling at was never going to listen to her if she told him nicely to go home. My POV was: Try that first. She said: But the guy's a jerk! I agree - the guy is a jerk, one that is spoiled rotten to boot, one that has taken my stuff without my permission, stolen stuff from Isaac and told Cait to cover for him. So yes, the guy's a jerk. But you still shouldn't yell. What will the neighbours think? Her point was: she does not give a hoot what the neighbours think of her yelling at someone like that. My point was: she should, because it reflects poorly on her and on us as a family. The neighbours, after all, do not have the full picture of what this boy is and as people do, will only judge on what they see/know.
I don't know if I told her the right thing. I do see where she is coming from and I don't know if this stems from being oblivious and insensitive to the opinions of others or if she knows but just does not care, but she seems to think that people will not talk about bad behaviour and even if they do, she does not hear them and so she does not care. I can understand and admire part of that philosophy because I am somewhat like that myself.
I guess I am just worried. My relationship with her has been rocky at times and I am now beginning to see that she is no longer a little girl but getting to be a pretty vocal teen! Discipline is like walking a tightrope these days. How do you guide, be sensitive to her growing sense of self, not intrude unnecessarily? Without blowing your top? Particularly so with her ADHD, the impulsivity factor is so strong.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
It was not always like that...
Further to my previous post, Gillian's school was not always like that. Six years ago when we selected her Pri Sch, KH and I considered several factors. Top of the list was the fact that Gillian was already diagnosed to be ADHD and dyslexic. We wanted a place that was not that stressful academically, with standards which we considered reasonable. It had to be a Catholic school. It had to be a convent since I enjoyed my Marymount Convent days so much. And, this was the hard part, it had to be a small enough school with a 'kampong gotong royong' atmosphere - where the principal and teachers were warm and kind, and knew the students well. It had to be 'family-like'.
We went to a few schools and this one fit the bill. We had a nice session talking to the principal, she was warm and kind. We walked around the school and it felt right. It was small - only three to four classes per level. The school buildings were old but we didn't mind. We liked the worn feel of it. We liked the small little green garden in the heart of the school. The little statues that peered out from here and there in the school - the rocky grotto, the entrance porch - all so kitschy but yet so reminiscent of my school days in MC. We decided that this school could care best for her.
When Gillian went in, it was as we imagined - the teachers were warm, caring and concerned. They went the extra mile for her. But then slowly, things changed. The school moved, the old buildings were torn down, the old principal retired, a new principal came on board. And gradually, the school lost its special, old-town feel about it.
New need not be wonderful. What is happening with the school also seems to be just a microcosm of what is happening in the country in general. In our hurry to progress, to be bigger, newer and better and faster, we have lost our old buildings, swept away our old ways of life, our old-fashioned values. We see this kind of impatience in the way we live, our buildings, our jobs, our leisure, our culture, our relationships, our values etc. So if you ask me, not all things new are wonderful. Bigger need not be better. And sometimes, progress is not necessarily desirable. Some things are better left unchanged, or at least, changed slowly with wisdom and with heart. Unfortunately, with this school, that does not seem to be so.
I'm probably the only parent who thinks so though. Judging from the enthusiastic applause at the Parent-Teacher Tea, when performance yardsticks were given, when the facilities were unveiled and ambitious plans presented, I think I might just be the odd dinosaur out who actually regretted the passing of the old ways in the old school.
But then, I am old-fashioned that way.
Further to my previous post, Gillian's school was not always like that. Six years ago when we selected her Pri Sch, KH and I considered several factors. Top of the list was the fact that Gillian was already diagnosed to be ADHD and dyslexic. We wanted a place that was not that stressful academically, with standards which we considered reasonable. It had to be a Catholic school. It had to be a convent since I enjoyed my Marymount Convent days so much. And, this was the hard part, it had to be a small enough school with a 'kampong gotong royong' atmosphere - where the principal and teachers were warm and kind, and knew the students well. It had to be 'family-like'.
We went to a few schools and this one fit the bill. We had a nice session talking to the principal, she was warm and kind. We walked around the school and it felt right. It was small - only three to four classes per level. The school buildings were old but we didn't mind. We liked the worn feel of it. We liked the small little green garden in the heart of the school. The little statues that peered out from here and there in the school - the rocky grotto, the entrance porch - all so kitschy but yet so reminiscent of my school days in MC. We decided that this school could care best for her.
When Gillian went in, it was as we imagined - the teachers were warm, caring and concerned. They went the extra mile for her. But then slowly, things changed. The school moved, the old buildings were torn down, the old principal retired, a new principal came on board. And gradually, the school lost its special, old-town feel about it.
New need not be wonderful. What is happening with the school also seems to be just a microcosm of what is happening in the country in general. In our hurry to progress, to be bigger, newer and better and faster, we have lost our old buildings, swept away our old ways of life, our old-fashioned values. We see this kind of impatience in the way we live, our buildings, our jobs, our leisure, our culture, our relationships, our values etc. So if you ask me, not all things new are wonderful. Bigger need not be better. And sometimes, progress is not necessarily desirable. Some things are better left unchanged, or at least, changed slowly with wisdom and with heart. Unfortunately, with this school, that does not seem to be so.
I'm probably the only parent who thinks so though. Judging from the enthusiastic applause at the Parent-Teacher Tea, when performance yardsticks were given, when the facilities were unveiled and ambitious plans presented, I think I might just be the odd dinosaur out who actually regretted the passing of the old ways in the old school.
But then, I am old-fashioned that way.
New, but not necessarily better
Gillian's school is going single-session next year. She comes home with a long letter from the school, excited about the change. After several years in the holding campus, the new school building is finally ready and with the larger size and enhanced facilities, the school is able to go single session. Normally, I am pretty non-committal about this. I think a single-session school is not a bad idea. But the more I read of the letter, the more I frowned.
With the single session in place, the girls will now start school at 7.30am (a mere 10-minute 'improvement' from the current 7.20am). The teachers will then engage the girls in various activities ranging from PE to USSR (yes that got me too until I realised it meant: Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading. The lengths people go to just to create 'cute' or quirky acronyms never fails to annoy me. Call a spade a spade and forget the cheesy acronyms already!) So from 7.30am to 8am, the girls either have PE or reading. Class proper starts at 8am. School follows as per normal with staggered recess times.
The P5/6 girls have lunch around 1230pm and then all this followed by CCA, remedial, supplementary etc until 4pm.
For someone like Gillian, who has to get up at 5.45am to take the school bus at 6.20am, the new SS timetable will mean very long school days. And on those days when she has no remedial or CCA, she still has to stay on in school because the bus only picks the girls up at4pm. So what should she do on those days? Presumably the girls would keep busy somehow - finishing off their homework etc. But for someone like Gillian, this is very hard because she requires supervision and mentoring to get the work done.
Seems like this SS idea is just a compulsory extension of the normal school hours. I don't see any evidence where the school is making more productive use of the time, there are no details of any enrichment or after-school activities offered. To me, it just spells a longer (more tiring!) day for the girls and a more expensive one for parents because they now have to pay for lunch at school, as opposed to lunch at home. I thought we were in a culture where schools should 'teach less, learn more' but hours like these seem to imply the opposite!
I have other beefs. With the new school building, the entrances and exits have been re-arranged so much so that parents now have to take a longer route to reach the school because of the one-way streets. And parking is no longer allowed in the school so parents just have to park in the residential areas. I don't know about you, but I imagine the residents of Jalan Pacheli, Li Hwan Drive and the other streets nearby will be none too happy about the inevitable congestion! I know I wouldn't! I am not sure if this was ever factored in when the school drew up its plans for redevelopment. Nor, I think, were the residents ever consulted in this exercise.
Secondly, the school decided to close a side gate. Where previously girls taking the public bus can now stop, cut across a park and a small residential lane and be in school in under 5minutes, they now have to make a significantly longer detour. Why do this? For almost 30 years or so, the side gate at Cooling Close has remained open and presumably, with no complaints from the Sisters across whose compound the girls have to cut in order to get to school. I can't see the sisters complaining about this now. So why the change? Come rain or shine, the girls and parents who take public transport now have to walk much farther to get to school.
So how exactly have all these changes benefitted the girls? A new school building with spanking new facilities is an exciting thing but these policy changes seem to have been made without much thought for the girls or with much consultation with parents. This kind of top-heavy approach really makes me think twice about whether the school is the right one for my other girls. To me, its not about the building and the facilities or even the curricula, but whether the school is managed sensibly and with heart. Right now, I fail to see either of these qualities in this school.
So next year, its back to the drawing board for Caitlin when it comes to P1 registration.
Gillian's school is going single-session next year. She comes home with a long letter from the school, excited about the change. After several years in the holding campus, the new school building is finally ready and with the larger size and enhanced facilities, the school is able to go single session. Normally, I am pretty non-committal about this. I think a single-session school is not a bad idea. But the more I read of the letter, the more I frowned.
With the single session in place, the girls will now start school at 7.30am (a mere 10-minute 'improvement' from the current 7.20am). The teachers will then engage the girls in various activities ranging from PE to USSR (yes that got me too until I realised it meant: Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading. The lengths people go to just to create 'cute' or quirky acronyms never fails to annoy me. Call a spade a spade and forget the cheesy acronyms already!) So from 7.30am to 8am, the girls either have PE or reading. Class proper starts at 8am. School follows as per normal with staggered recess times.
The P5/6 girls have lunch around 1230pm and then all this followed by CCA, remedial, supplementary etc until 4pm.
For someone like Gillian, who has to get up at 5.45am to take the school bus at 6.20am, the new SS timetable will mean very long school days. And on those days when she has no remedial or CCA, she still has to stay on in school because the bus only picks the girls up at4pm. So what should she do on those days? Presumably the girls would keep busy somehow - finishing off their homework etc. But for someone like Gillian, this is very hard because she requires supervision and mentoring to get the work done.
Seems like this SS idea is just a compulsory extension of the normal school hours. I don't see any evidence where the school is making more productive use of the time, there are no details of any enrichment or after-school activities offered. To me, it just spells a longer (more tiring!) day for the girls and a more expensive one for parents because they now have to pay for lunch at school, as opposed to lunch at home. I thought we were in a culture where schools should 'teach less, learn more' but hours like these seem to imply the opposite!
I have other beefs. With the new school building, the entrances and exits have been re-arranged so much so that parents now have to take a longer route to reach the school because of the one-way streets. And parking is no longer allowed in the school so parents just have to park in the residential areas. I don't know about you, but I imagine the residents of Jalan Pacheli, Li Hwan Drive and the other streets nearby will be none too happy about the inevitable congestion! I know I wouldn't! I am not sure if this was ever factored in when the school drew up its plans for redevelopment. Nor, I think, were the residents ever consulted in this exercise.
Secondly, the school decided to close a side gate. Where previously girls taking the public bus can now stop, cut across a park and a small residential lane and be in school in under 5minutes, they now have to make a significantly longer detour. Why do this? For almost 30 years or so, the side gate at Cooling Close has remained open and presumably, with no complaints from the Sisters across whose compound the girls have to cut in order to get to school. I can't see the sisters complaining about this now. So why the change? Come rain or shine, the girls and parents who take public transport now have to walk much farther to get to school.
So how exactly have all these changes benefitted the girls? A new school building with spanking new facilities is an exciting thing but these policy changes seem to have been made without much thought for the girls or with much consultation with parents. This kind of top-heavy approach really makes me think twice about whether the school is the right one for my other girls. To me, its not about the building and the facilities or even the curricula, but whether the school is managed sensibly and with heart. Right now, I fail to see either of these qualities in this school.
So next year, its back to the drawing board for Caitlin when it comes to P1 registration.
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