"But I like nen-nen!"

Poor Owain! He's been getting lots of negativity from everyone lately - the helper, his mama, his grandad, his dad. And me.

"So big boy already still nen-nen!!" "Owain, only little babies drink nen-nen!" and others along the same line.

I hear it all in silence and sometimes I say similar lines. But I wince everytime I say those. Because I am not convinced 100% - not even 50% - that what I am doing is right. Nor am I comfortable with the negativity that is going around. So if I don't like it, why say it?

I usually enjoy our nursing sessions. But lately, nursing has been very very painful. My nipples are so severely eczemic and the skin so dry, that fissures form, tear open and bleed and weep. Can you imagine, everytime I even undo the cup to nurse it hurts - because the raw bits have dried onto the cotton so it gets pulled apart afresh everytime I undo the cup.

Everytime he latches on and draws the nipple in, it feels like the whole bit is on fire, sliced up finely. I usually grit, grimace, sometimes yell when its particularly bad. He is aware of this because he looks up at me and says: mummy your nen-nen pain?

So I have been putting him off nursing. And he has been screaming blue murder everytime I try to fob him off. I offer to hold him instead of nurse him, cuddle him to sleep instead, but he would have none of it and usually ends up screaming/crying so miserably that I just give in. Then I end up feeling angry with him and with myself, my body tensed up in anticipation of pain during nursing. Far from lovey-dovey, cosy, comforting and serene - all the happy elements it used to have!

Our nursing conversations go like this:

"Mummy I want nen-nen!"

"Later Owain."

"Nooooo!! Pleeeease mummy please! Just a lil bit, short while only!"

"I just gave you nen-nen! Less than five minutes ago!!"

"Pleeease mummy! But I like nen-nen!"

"No. Let me eat/read/write/work in peace for a while. I'll give you nen-nen later."

"Noooooo!" he wails. Then, "I drink, you eat (insert whatever activity I was in the midst of)!"

This goes on for a while, to and fro. And when I finally give in, it goes like this:

"Remember, Owain, SHORT while only ah!!"

"Okay mummy..." and he grins eagerly as I undo the necessary, practically jumping in glee.

"And when I say STOP..."

"STOP!" he repeats by rote.

"And when I say let go, Owain..."

"Let go!" he repeats again.

"You're sure you remember... not bluffing me are you? Cos everytime I tell you to stop you don't stop..."

And he protests: "Not bluffing you mummy, not bluffing you!!" And of course he will never keep to his promise.

As he takes the first suck, I too suck in my breath in a deep breath and blow out.

KH commented that it looks like I'm in labour. Har har.

What does he know? It is bl**dy painful! At least contractions DO end and there is a pause before the next one comes. This kind of pain is non-stop. And this guy nurses (I kid you not!) every half an hour... at least every hour... and through the night!

I feel bad about fobbing him off, guilty about entertaining thoughts of weaning him. Knowing that I will almost certainly regret weaning when it does become permanent. KH has said, looking at my reactions everytime I get a request to nurse, and looking at Owain's frequency, that it is time to wean. But look at him - still pretty much a baby isn't he? The reasons for nursing him past 1 year still hold true. He is still exploring, and learning and the breast is still a haven. All that has not changed. His needs are still valid. Why should all this change just because my breasts have become eczemic?

Am I being selfish? I certainly feel this way. But the pain is incredible. The nipples look red, raw and rough. And the silly nipples are not healing either. I have tried steroidal creams - nada. So I have come to the conclusion that it is really not going to heal but I'll just have to fire-fight and make sure the dryness and itch does not (a) spread and get larger and (b) split open into fissures. Between the California Baby Calendula Cream (which seems to work better than the steroidal creams) and Palmer's Cocoa Butter, I think we can manage for the time being - although I do feel like the little boy with his finger in the dyke! Its all pretty much stop-gap, I know...

Today, I read this article and it touched me. I have always been a proponent of letting the child signal its readiness - in birth, breastfeeding etc. Its hard to do this and I do feel unsure at times if I am doing the right thing or if I am on the right track. But reading this article helped remind me just WHY I wanted to nurse my babies until they self-weaned and why I believe so much in a child's natural rhythms.

http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/breastfeeding/difficult-promise.html

So Owain gets a reprieve from weaning for now. I'll grit and bear it for as long as I can. Not a matyr but I don't want to do something that will be traumatic emotionally for him and for me. Far easier to take deep breaths as if I am in labour than to wean and regret. And in a way, perservering through this is a kind of labour of love isn't it?