And while we're on the topic of honesty, sometimes I wonder why we mothers or parents in general, tend to wear this cloak of modesty when it comes to our pride and ambition for our children.

Is it so wrong to take pride in your child's accomplishments? Will we be judged arrogant and even if so, would that be so important to us what others think?

I find that whenever someone compliments me on my kids, my instant reaction is to brush it off. For example, someone says: "Your kids are very well behaved!" and I go "Oh you should see them at home - they're little monsters!"

Now why can't I just say something like "Thanks! I think they're behaving well today too!"

Is this because we're Asians and we grow up in a culture telling us that pride is immodest? That humility is the key to success?

Then things get to the point of being ridiculous. Let me cite this example. I was at Gillian's bowling tournament and sat next to a mom whose son was from a very well-known boys school. We started chatting about bowling in general and our children's respective schools. She told me that she was paying upwards of $800 a year just for her son to take bowling as a CCA in this school - apparently this well-to-do school does not subsidise bowling as much as it did for their other niche CCAs. On top of that, she paid for extra private coaching which comes up to about $55 per session - just so that her son could improve his scores since, according to her, he used to be a dismal bowler. In a month, she easily spends about $400 to $500 just on private coaching fees alone. That does not include the ball and the other bowling paraphernalia.

Then she adds the clincher at the end of it all, a modest, apologetic tinge to her tone: "Well, its really just to give him some exposure."

Did I roll my eyes at that line? No. I worked to keep my eyeballs in place but I think my eyebrows did rise a notch.

I don't know. Spending so much just for 'exposure'? Why not call it what it is - ambition? A desire for her son to do better, be in the school team, win medals, attain glory? Why is that so bad? Why not be honest about ambition? About wanting better for her son?

In my opinion, nothing to be embarrassed about.

In Gillian's case, we spend about $250 a year for school-subsidised coaching. Her grandparents fork out about $300 for a ball and we paid about $300 too for a ball and a pair of shoes which has lasted for the past 3 years or so. No private coaching. By chance she is on the school team. She is not a fabulous player. She may have the advantage of being a leftie in bowling but she still does not have what it takes to be another Remy Ong. I have no illusions about her talent. I don't want to spend money on private coaching. Now THAT is 'exposure'.

I don't know about the rest but I will work on being more upfront. Next time someone compliments my kids, I'll say thank you. Next time someone asks me about Cait and gym, I'll say: "Yeah we want her to be the Singaporean version of Shawn Johnson and if we could send her to gym bootcamp in China, we would!"

Come out of the closet O Naked Ambition!

While housekeeping my inbox this morning, I find this email from KH circa 2004:

A love note to my wife:-
"During yr turbulent time, u will see 2 footprints on the beach sand. One is GOD carrying u and the other a step behind, ready to catch u when GOD hands over u to me."

I don't think he came up with it, but the thought is very sweet. Finding this little gem again after a few years warms the heart once more too. And makes you fall in love that little bit more.

Just finished chuckling my way through Ayelet Waldman’s "Bad Mother". She’s pinned it down so well for me – what I am like as a mother. And I sure am glad, reading her account of her motherhood adventures, that I am not alone in my klutzy, kiasu, angsty, self-centred version of motherhood. Hers is the honest, no-holds-barred, warts and all version of what mothers are really like. And when I was reading it, I was largely laughing, sometimes sniffling but always nodding.


She writes about unrealistic expectations that we have of ourselves, and about others. What struck me most was what she said about other women being each other's worst enemies. I think its true. We mothers are our own worst critics. We tend to judge each other's parenting styles - often swiftly and harshly - with a critical eye, by our own personal yardsticks, often failing to acknowledge that each woman and each parent-child dyad is different. And often, we judge ourselves the harshest.


I know this is true because everytime I read about how well other parents' childrens behave or perform in school, I wonder if I might be selling my kids short, if I might be a better mother. And terribly, I wonder why my kids cannot be like those other kids. Yes I love my kids to bits but that does not stop me from wistfully yearning for perfection - in them and in me. Can't be healthy right?

Yet imperfect mother that I know I am, I still try to put up a good appearance. I try to belong. I want to belong. Hey, I’m Libran. It’s important to Librans to want to be liked. So I try - though often I feel like a troll wearing the haute-couture togs of perfection, unable to live up to the standards of others.


I never felt like I fit in with the other moms - hence my avoidance of any PTA activities for all my kids' schools. And yet. Reminiscent of secondary school cliques all over again, the need to belong, for validation, is still strong. This is the same for any group I suppose - even virtual parenting groups. Whether it is about breastfeeding, birth, schools etc, we go in to parenting groups to get information and to find validation. We need to be told that we are moving in the right direction, that other (read better) mothers think and feel the same as we do. I don't have to extoll the virtues of belonging in a group.

But a sharp knife cuts both ways. Just as we seek affirmation, definition in a group, the process can also be alienating and potentially damaging.


So maybe the best therapy for me is to avoid extended contact in these situations. Avoid the PTAs. Avoid the competitive mommy circles of school sports. Avoid online parenting groups. Avoid parenting magazines.

Its the same reason why I stopped reading women’s magazines (which basically make money out of telling women how they can do better/look better because they’re just not good enough). Why bother?

So like those glass bell domes that Ms Universe contenders stand under while the Q & A on world peace is going on, I choose to stand under my own soundproof glass dome. Call it denial if you like, for the sake of my sanity (and vanity). I still go into parenting forums from time to time, but I write less. And I skip more posts. And bad mother that I am, I now avoid the glowing testimonials like the plague! Life is short and there are already guilt trips aplenty, the less I compare, the happier I will be.