Random thoughts from Owain
This came from Owain. We were at the computer and he just started to say this out of the blue. I thought it was pretty insightful. So I wrote everything down verbatim. Dated 25 March 2009.
“You have to let go of stuff because you will die soon. And you have to say goodbye to everyone.”
What is the stuff you have to let go of? (This is what I asked him)
“The stuff that you like very much, like your mummy and your children. But soon you will meet each other again.
I think this up inside my mind.
Either you will go to hell or heaven but you don’t need to do anything in heaven but in hell, you have to work fast because hell wants to trick people that hell is heaven. The devil will treat you very bad but in heaven you will always be happy.”
Interesting take. I'm just wondering why he said this to me out of the blue.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Hooked
I've finally done what I swore I would never do.
One by one, friends have succumbed to this addiction and how I have scoffed and sniffed at them and their weakness. But as they say, the more you scoff the harder you fall. Or something like that.
It started in the hospital, when bedridden, thanks to the bloody urine bag, I was forced to watch, night after night of My Sassy Girl Chun Hyang - bubble-gum pop Korean drama dubbed into Mandarin. I can thank my drama addict Gillian for this.
Yes I could have surfed to a different channel, but anaesthesia does funny things to your judgement and I have to admit that the bubble-gum, as with all bubble-gum, is sweet goodnatured fun.
My disease progressed thus:
By the time I was discharged, watching the daily episodes had become a daily highlight I looked forward to.
By week 1, I had developed the habit of zooming straight into the drama synopses section of 8 Days just to get the plot of the week. Even that wasn't enough.
By week 2, on the day I visited my doctor, I took the opportunity to visit the video shop to surreptitiously suss out the boxset of My Sassy Girl. I told everyone who asked me (with that once familiar aghast look I once wore myself in similar situations) that it wasn't for me - it was for Gillian.
But who was I kidding?
And by the way, since it was a buy 1 - get 1 free deal, I nipped another box set. Full House - which had the awful-looking Rain and the very pretty Song Hye Geo in it. It came with rave reviews. I had descended to the point where I actually accosted virtual strangers in the shop to ask their opinions on what was a great K drama to watch. A really nice lady obliged my madness and we really bonded over 15min of recommendations and suggestions. It was good fun and I thank the lady who fed my thirst, though I never got her name!
By week 3, it was the school holidays and Gillian and I had polished off every disc in the My Sassy Girl boxset. For the first time, Gillian willingly came home early from school without the usual excuses for dawdling after school. By 3pm, both of us would be perched on the sofa, the dvd player humming and the familiar theme piping through the speakers.
The day I actually finished TWO discs back to back, I knew I was a goner. The telly was on from 10am to 6pm. I've never felt so guilty about electricity usage in my life. Lucky the kids were all at their cousins' for the day. Gillian was really sore with me for finishing two discs (8 episodes) without her!
Have to say Gillian and I really bond over the K dramas. We bitch about the villains, we sigh in sympathy when the lovers separate, we grin in delight when they reconcile. We have a lot of fun discussing what happened and what will happen next. Gillian and I have had many happy moments tearing away in front of the TV together. Its been great fun!
Unlike the heavy handed TCS dramas, the K dramas were light, frothy fun. There was no sex, and any on-screen kissing did not involve tongues. They were either chaste pecks on the cheeks or boringly dry 'chin' kisses. Any suggestion of a carnal nature in the series was met with wide-eyed horror by the main characters.
What's there not to like? The actors and actresses were all good-looking. Doe-eyed, bee-stung lips (and those were just the men!) Okay, so we know the plastic surgery rate in Korea is sky high and nothing you see there is really real or natural... big deal. Yes, we can tell who has had a perky nose job. So what? Everything about the K-drama is sheer fantasy anyway. The plots are often trite - boy meets girl, fall in love, meets with obstacles, enter a rival/s, they separate, they reconcile, overcome obstacles, live happily ever after. Not award-winning stuff, but just plain fun. Everything is just too cute. And rather than pathos and tragedy, I really enjoy the light bubble-gum flavours of the romantic comedies I have seen so far.
The characters are so likeable, I just can't help rooting for them, and of course feeling a twinge of pain when the sad bits hit. I've been so long out of the old romantic grind that watching stuff like that brings back nice memories of what it was like back then. All that teen angst! So fun! Man, I miss those days...
And finally, I've never met a K drama soundtrack I didn't like. They really know how to work those strings arrangements! Cue soulful violins and contemplative piano! So much so that Gillian and I have hit the CD stores and the video stores - looking for K soundtracks and for new box sets. We've even gone online to discover blogs and sites on K dramas! Which of course makes us more eager than ever to find new boxsets to sigh over.
So I guess I'll just go ahead and admit it - I'm now officially a K drama addict. There. I've come out of my closet and joined the K fan club. If anyone out there has a good suggestion for a delicious K drama for me to sink my teeth into, please send it my way.
Even better, fork over those boxsets.
I've finally done what I swore I would never do.
One by one, friends have succumbed to this addiction and how I have scoffed and sniffed at them and their weakness. But as they say, the more you scoff the harder you fall. Or something like that.
It started in the hospital, when bedridden, thanks to the bloody urine bag, I was forced to watch, night after night of My Sassy Girl Chun Hyang - bubble-gum pop Korean drama dubbed into Mandarin. I can thank my drama addict Gillian for this.
Yes I could have surfed to a different channel, but anaesthesia does funny things to your judgement and I have to admit that the bubble-gum, as with all bubble-gum, is sweet goodnatured fun.
My disease progressed thus:
By the time I was discharged, watching the daily episodes had become a daily highlight I looked forward to.
By week 1, I had developed the habit of zooming straight into the drama synopses section of 8 Days just to get the plot of the week. Even that wasn't enough.
By week 2, on the day I visited my doctor, I took the opportunity to visit the video shop to surreptitiously suss out the boxset of My Sassy Girl. I told everyone who asked me (with that once familiar aghast look I once wore myself in similar situations) that it wasn't for me - it was for Gillian.
But who was I kidding?
And by the way, since it was a buy 1 - get 1 free deal, I nipped another box set. Full House - which had the awful-looking Rain and the very pretty Song Hye Geo in it. It came with rave reviews. I had descended to the point where I actually accosted virtual strangers in the shop to ask their opinions on what was a great K drama to watch. A really nice lady obliged my madness and we really bonded over 15min of recommendations and suggestions. It was good fun and I thank the lady who fed my thirst, though I never got her name!
By week 3, it was the school holidays and Gillian and I had polished off every disc in the My Sassy Girl boxset. For the first time, Gillian willingly came home early from school without the usual excuses for dawdling after school. By 3pm, both of us would be perched on the sofa, the dvd player humming and the familiar theme piping through the speakers.
The day I actually finished TWO discs back to back, I knew I was a goner. The telly was on from 10am to 6pm. I've never felt so guilty about electricity usage in my life. Lucky the kids were all at their cousins' for the day. Gillian was really sore with me for finishing two discs (8 episodes) without her!
Have to say Gillian and I really bond over the K dramas. We bitch about the villains, we sigh in sympathy when the lovers separate, we grin in delight when they reconcile. We have a lot of fun discussing what happened and what will happen next. Gillian and I have had many happy moments tearing away in front of the TV together. Its been great fun!
Unlike the heavy handed TCS dramas, the K dramas were light, frothy fun. There was no sex, and any on-screen kissing did not involve tongues. They were either chaste pecks on the cheeks or boringly dry 'chin' kisses. Any suggestion of a carnal nature in the series was met with wide-eyed horror by the main characters.
What's there not to like? The actors and actresses were all good-looking. Doe-eyed, bee-stung lips (and those were just the men!) Okay, so we know the plastic surgery rate in Korea is sky high and nothing you see there is really real or natural... big deal. Yes, we can tell who has had a perky nose job. So what? Everything about the K-drama is sheer fantasy anyway. The plots are often trite - boy meets girl, fall in love, meets with obstacles, enter a rival/s, they separate, they reconcile, overcome obstacles, live happily ever after. Not award-winning stuff, but just plain fun. Everything is just too cute. And rather than pathos and tragedy, I really enjoy the light bubble-gum flavours of the romantic comedies I have seen so far.
The characters are so likeable, I just can't help rooting for them, and of course feeling a twinge of pain when the sad bits hit. I've been so long out of the old romantic grind that watching stuff like that brings back nice memories of what it was like back then. All that teen angst! So fun! Man, I miss those days...
And finally, I've never met a K drama soundtrack I didn't like. They really know how to work those strings arrangements! Cue soulful violins and contemplative piano! So much so that Gillian and I have hit the CD stores and the video stores - looking for K soundtracks and for new box sets. We've even gone online to discover blogs and sites on K dramas! Which of course makes us more eager than ever to find new boxsets to sigh over.
So I guess I'll just go ahead and admit it - I'm now officially a K drama addict. There. I've come out of my closet and joined the K fan club. If anyone out there has a good suggestion for a delicious K drama for me to sink my teeth into, please send it my way.
Even better, fork over those boxsets.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Over the moon!
I just came back from Gillian's parent-teacher meeting. I am totally, absolutely over the moon today! I've got a grin plastered on my face like a toothpaste advertisement. I can't remember how many times I told Gillian how happy and proud of her I am! So just bear with me while I give my proud-mama boast. Dodge the exclamation marks ahead if you can!
First - a bit of an explanation on the school's target setting. The MOE computer system set targets for the various subjects she would sit for and the teachers would also set their own targets for her accordingly. Because she scored 98 for the PSLE, the system expected her to hit at least all Ds for all her subjects. The school had set similar targets.
But this girl just took off running and never looked back and whacked those targets out of the window. She scored a C for English (which needs working on but looking at the previous year's grades, she is scoring better now). Wonder of wonders, she made it to a C for maths!!! Something she has never ever done in her life, having flunked maths for all her life since P1! I expected something like a borderline pass/fail grade but gosh, she actually leapfrogged past that. Her position in class for Maths scores was 10 out of 32 - which means the whole class probably sucked at Maths but the point was - what a big leap she made!!
She scored an A for Science, taking 4th place in the cohort, an A for Computer Applications at 6th position in class and another A for Home Econs coming in 1st in class. Her overall position - 7th place in class.
When I looked at her results over the last year, I could see her moving up the ladder slowly but surely. She started out in 28th place last year term 1, crawled up to 23rd place, then 22nd place and finally 14th place in the overall full-year scores. And today she's in 7th place. Her overall score has moved from 54% early in Sec 1 to 62% at the end of Sec 1. Today, she's hit 71%. So it looks like she's been consistent in moving up and on, but this first quarter results are just like a huge sprint up, let alone baby steps in improvement.
Why am I so overwhelmed? Because this girl has had such a hard tough journey getting here. We've been through so much. Among family, we've all commented that she seems changed in some way this year that we find hard to define. Quieter, less impulsive perhaps. She seems more focused. The results bear this out.
I think she's hitting her stride and I'm so pleased, so proud of her to make these great big leaps. For parents who have children who are naturally gifted, who always do well in school, they have every reason to be proud. But perhaps after a while, a sense of expectation and comfort sets in. But for people like Gillian and for me, it has never been easy. Never at all. So when she does a hat-trick like this and upend all our expectations on our ears, we are just so very puffed up full of pride. The victory is even sweeter.
This does wonders for her self-esteem. Plus the fact that she got into the school bowling team this year and is actually selected to compete in the coming C Div Nationals. Two days ago she came home and flashed her team t-shirt, happily beaming away, ah well... it was wonderful. And now this icing on the cake. She's in such a good place in her life now.
The sense of achievement and pride will give a different perspective to how she views herself, and how she views life. It will help keep her focused and less interested in the 'fun' that some of her classmates engage in. Now she knows - that she can do it, she's not dumb, hard work is all it takes. That this is not just something mummy mouths off about. Hard work does pay off.
We tried to keep our feet on level ground though, I reminded her that she should keep this going, don't lose the momentum and slack off and she soberly nodded. But there's just no getting past the giddiness we have right now. Family celebration ahead!
I just came back from Gillian's parent-teacher meeting. I am totally, absolutely over the moon today! I've got a grin plastered on my face like a toothpaste advertisement. I can't remember how many times I told Gillian how happy and proud of her I am! So just bear with me while I give my proud-mama boast. Dodge the exclamation marks ahead if you can!
First - a bit of an explanation on the school's target setting. The MOE computer system set targets for the various subjects she would sit for and the teachers would also set their own targets for her accordingly. Because she scored 98 for the PSLE, the system expected her to hit at least all Ds for all her subjects. The school had set similar targets.
But this girl just took off running and never looked back and whacked those targets out of the window. She scored a C for English (which needs working on but looking at the previous year's grades, she is scoring better now). Wonder of wonders, she made it to a C for maths!!! Something she has never ever done in her life, having flunked maths for all her life since P1! I expected something like a borderline pass/fail grade but gosh, she actually leapfrogged past that. Her position in class for Maths scores was 10 out of 32 - which means the whole class probably sucked at Maths but the point was - what a big leap she made!!
She scored an A for Science, taking 4th place in the cohort, an A for Computer Applications at 6th position in class and another A for Home Econs coming in 1st in class. Her overall position - 7th place in class.
When I looked at her results over the last year, I could see her moving up the ladder slowly but surely. She started out in 28th place last year term 1, crawled up to 23rd place, then 22nd place and finally 14th place in the overall full-year scores. And today she's in 7th place. Her overall score has moved from 54% early in Sec 1 to 62% at the end of Sec 1. Today, she's hit 71%. So it looks like she's been consistent in moving up and on, but this first quarter results are just like a huge sprint up, let alone baby steps in improvement.
Why am I so overwhelmed? Because this girl has had such a hard tough journey getting here. We've been through so much. Among family, we've all commented that she seems changed in some way this year that we find hard to define. Quieter, less impulsive perhaps. She seems more focused. The results bear this out.
I think she's hitting her stride and I'm so pleased, so proud of her to make these great big leaps. For parents who have children who are naturally gifted, who always do well in school, they have every reason to be proud. But perhaps after a while, a sense of expectation and comfort sets in. But for people like Gillian and for me, it has never been easy. Never at all. So when she does a hat-trick like this and upend all our expectations on our ears, we are just so very puffed up full of pride. The victory is even sweeter.
This does wonders for her self-esteem. Plus the fact that she got into the school bowling team this year and is actually selected to compete in the coming C Div Nationals. Two days ago she came home and flashed her team t-shirt, happily beaming away, ah well... it was wonderful. And now this icing on the cake. She's in such a good place in her life now.
The sense of achievement and pride will give a different perspective to how she views herself, and how she views life. It will help keep her focused and less interested in the 'fun' that some of her classmates engage in. Now she knows - that she can do it, she's not dumb, hard work is all it takes. That this is not just something mummy mouths off about. Hard work does pay off.
We tried to keep our feet on level ground though, I reminded her that she should keep this going, don't lose the momentum and slack off and she soberly nodded. But there's just no getting past the giddiness we have right now. Family celebration ahead!
Friday, March 06, 2009
Not quite back in the saddle
I think I spoke too soon about my recovery. I knew I must have hexed myself posting about how good I felt.
It started with a burning sensation when I peed and my lower abdomen felt uncomfortable - it ached and kinked up everytime I stood from a sitting position. Add to that a constant lowgrade fever that came every evening, left me in chills by 8pm and asleep by 9pm. A dipstick test showed high alkalinity and significant haemoglobin levels in the pee.
From the sound of it, it was a UTI. Thanks to the catheterisation of course.
Made my way to the polyclinic today with my fretting mother in tow who angsted over "why your belly so distended? Is it bigger than before? Maybe you are having a slow bleed inside!" to "that stupid doctor of yours, why didn't they discharge you properly, tell you what to look out for!" etc etc. Love my mom, she's absolutely on my side. A bit paranoid thanks to 40 years of nursing, but useful to have in a corner when dealing with the medical establishment.
The goondu doctor at the polyclinic at first brushed me off - "You're just 9 days post-op. Its not unusual to feel this sort of pain. Its major surgery you went through. Go home and if you feel worse, go to the A&E."
Huh??? Go home? I know what I'm feeling and you know how I feel about unnecessary interventions and tests and drugs etc. But my gut tells me something's not right. Otherwise why bother to make the trip to the polyclinic right? Duh!
I noticed my mother quietly walk across the room to stand beside me. Before she could go ballistic on the goondu doctor, I insisted that something was not right and he reluctantly sent me for a urine test and a full blood count. Turns out that there was a whole column of red on the screen when the results came back - white blood cell count elevated in the abnormal column, red blood cell count down, haemoglobin, haematocrits all down. Clearly signs of an infection.
But believe it or not, the goondu refused to prescribe anything and told me he would refer me back to the hospital. Argh!!
Back to the hospital I went. After looking at the test results, the doctor there said it was a clear-cut case of UTI and treatable. Mom was wondering why they ushered us in so quickly after triage. And one look at the referral letter by the goondu doctor and it became obvious - the guy had written - "suspected septicaemia"!! Huh??
To cut long story short - I am now on stronger antibiotics (there goes my gut!) . Keeping fingers crossed that the infection will blow over.
I think I spoke too soon about my recovery. I knew I must have hexed myself posting about how good I felt.
It started with a burning sensation when I peed and my lower abdomen felt uncomfortable - it ached and kinked up everytime I stood from a sitting position. Add to that a constant lowgrade fever that came every evening, left me in chills by 8pm and asleep by 9pm. A dipstick test showed high alkalinity and significant haemoglobin levels in the pee.
From the sound of it, it was a UTI. Thanks to the catheterisation of course.
Made my way to the polyclinic today with my fretting mother in tow who angsted over "why your belly so distended? Is it bigger than before? Maybe you are having a slow bleed inside!" to "that stupid doctor of yours, why didn't they discharge you properly, tell you what to look out for!" etc etc. Love my mom, she's absolutely on my side. A bit paranoid thanks to 40 years of nursing, but useful to have in a corner when dealing with the medical establishment.
The goondu doctor at the polyclinic at first brushed me off - "You're just 9 days post-op. Its not unusual to feel this sort of pain. Its major surgery you went through. Go home and if you feel worse, go to the A&E."
Huh??? Go home? I know what I'm feeling and you know how I feel about unnecessary interventions and tests and drugs etc. But my gut tells me something's not right. Otherwise why bother to make the trip to the polyclinic right? Duh!
I noticed my mother quietly walk across the room to stand beside me. Before she could go ballistic on the goondu doctor, I insisted that something was not right and he reluctantly sent me for a urine test and a full blood count. Turns out that there was a whole column of red on the screen when the results came back - white blood cell count elevated in the abnormal column, red blood cell count down, haemoglobin, haematocrits all down. Clearly signs of an infection.
But believe it or not, the goondu refused to prescribe anything and told me he would refer me back to the hospital. Argh!!
Back to the hospital I went. After looking at the test results, the doctor there said it was a clear-cut case of UTI and treatable. Mom was wondering why they ushered us in so quickly after triage. And one look at the referral letter by the goondu doctor and it became obvious - the guy had written - "suspected septicaemia"!! Huh??
To cut long story short - I am now on stronger antibiotics (there goes my gut!) . Keeping fingers crossed that the infection will blow over.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
After
Exactly one week ago, I was lounging around in my room in a white surgical robe, impatiently wondering why they hadn't yet called me into the OT. The op had been delayed for hours. I finally made it to the OT only at noon. Things moved swiftly from there. The anaesthetist after poking me twice to find a vain - big ouch - finally put me under in less than 10min. Have to say it was a really nice feeling to just drift off. Woke up at 3pm hearing someone call me from a distance. The rest of the day I just faded in and out of consciousness, letting people ask me questions, do things to me that I was only vaguely aware of. The pain and the cramps kicked in hours later when most of the anaesthesia had worn off and they fed me the painkillers. Which I have been faithfully popping since then.
Flash forward to today where I am sitting at home, Trin on the desk, writing this entry in the blog. I am feeling loads better today than a week ago. Day by day, I feel better, and stronger. I feel so physically and mentally, emotionally.
So yes, they've taken my womb. The doc asked me cryptically minutes before surgery: Do you want us to keep the womb if its a 50-50 situation?
And I go: Well gee thanks doc, for asking me this question now just mere minutes before cutting me open! I don't know. I feel sad about losing it but I have psyched myself up for this already, so either way do what is necessary.
He pats me absently, nods and says: Ah, a thinking woman.
Whatever it was, he said later that they pulled it as far as it could go and that was pretty far! So they took it out. Gave me a picture for it which I decided best not to post on the blog. Left my ovaries. Repaired the rectocele and the whole back wall.
Was it painful? Only when I tried to be a hero and wean myself off the painkillers. The one time I did it, I was awakened at 2am by the pain and had to crawl downstairs to get them. Not fun.
Today, maybe because I am getting more rest than I ever had even after birth, I feel rested and restored. I feel optimistic. Hopeful. Energised. I get the feeling there is a lot to look forward to, lots more that will be happening in my life. I actually feel renewed. My friends and family have played a major role in getting me back on my feet - spoiling me with home-cooked food, nourishing soups and sesame seed stews, bottle upon bottle of chicken essence. One friend walked in during dinner when I was in hospital and promptly, despite my protests, threw out the hospital curry dinner and bought me fish soup. She proceeded to deliver a stern lecture on what to eat for healing, then when the kids came, good-humouredly did the nagging and mothering I was too out of it to do. I feel so pampered!
And then there are the dreams. I have never dreamed like this in all my life. I don't know whether it is the anaesthesia or what, but I have had the lushest, fully-technicolour dreams in my sleep everynight. I no longer night-wake feeling my heart pound in my ears. I wake instead feeling rested with a strong sense of well-being.
Trin no longer actively nurses at night, and she nurses so seldom these days that perhaps this is really the season for letting go of that part of my life. I am careful about nursing also because I am pumped full of antibiotics and painkillers so I try to keep the rare nursing sessions that come, short as possible. At this point, is it child-led or parent-led weaning? I don't think it really matters. We have come to this point so gradually. Never forcefully, no tears. She seems ready and so am I.
I have one month at home before returning to a three and a half day work week which I applied for before going for surgery. So I will make the best of it - not by rushing around doing as much as I can but just by savouring it. Taking my time, doing what I feel is good and right. And its not as if I'm not looking forward to work - strangely enough, I feel ready and anticipatory.
To share one last vignette of life. Two nights ago at dinner, all of us around the table, under cheery yellow light, sharing food and the day's events. The cat curled up watchfully at the glass doors next to us. My family is complete and I felt utterly content.
Exactly one week ago, I was lounging around in my room in a white surgical robe, impatiently wondering why they hadn't yet called me into the OT. The op had been delayed for hours. I finally made it to the OT only at noon. Things moved swiftly from there. The anaesthetist after poking me twice to find a vain - big ouch - finally put me under in less than 10min. Have to say it was a really nice feeling to just drift off. Woke up at 3pm hearing someone call me from a distance. The rest of the day I just faded in and out of consciousness, letting people ask me questions, do things to me that I was only vaguely aware of. The pain and the cramps kicked in hours later when most of the anaesthesia had worn off and they fed me the painkillers. Which I have been faithfully popping since then.
Flash forward to today where I am sitting at home, Trin on the desk, writing this entry in the blog. I am feeling loads better today than a week ago. Day by day, I feel better, and stronger. I feel so physically and mentally, emotionally.
So yes, they've taken my womb. The doc asked me cryptically minutes before surgery: Do you want us to keep the womb if its a 50-50 situation?
And I go: Well gee thanks doc, for asking me this question now just mere minutes before cutting me open! I don't know. I feel sad about losing it but I have psyched myself up for this already, so either way do what is necessary.
He pats me absently, nods and says: Ah, a thinking woman.
Whatever it was, he said later that they pulled it as far as it could go and that was pretty far! So they took it out. Gave me a picture for it which I decided best not to post on the blog. Left my ovaries. Repaired the rectocele and the whole back wall.
Was it painful? Only when I tried to be a hero and wean myself off the painkillers. The one time I did it, I was awakened at 2am by the pain and had to crawl downstairs to get them. Not fun.
Today, maybe because I am getting more rest than I ever had even after birth, I feel rested and restored. I feel optimistic. Hopeful. Energised. I get the feeling there is a lot to look forward to, lots more that will be happening in my life. I actually feel renewed. My friends and family have played a major role in getting me back on my feet - spoiling me with home-cooked food, nourishing soups and sesame seed stews, bottle upon bottle of chicken essence. One friend walked in during dinner when I was in hospital and promptly, despite my protests, threw out the hospital curry dinner and bought me fish soup. She proceeded to deliver a stern lecture on what to eat for healing, then when the kids came, good-humouredly did the nagging and mothering I was too out of it to do. I feel so pampered!
And then there are the dreams. I have never dreamed like this in all my life. I don't know whether it is the anaesthesia or what, but I have had the lushest, fully-technicolour dreams in my sleep everynight. I no longer night-wake feeling my heart pound in my ears. I wake instead feeling rested with a strong sense of well-being.
Trin no longer actively nurses at night, and she nurses so seldom these days that perhaps this is really the season for letting go of that part of my life. I am careful about nursing also because I am pumped full of antibiotics and painkillers so I try to keep the rare nursing sessions that come, short as possible. At this point, is it child-led or parent-led weaning? I don't think it really matters. We have come to this point so gradually. Never forcefully, no tears. She seems ready and so am I.
I have one month at home before returning to a three and a half day work week which I applied for before going for surgery. So I will make the best of it - not by rushing around doing as much as I can but just by savouring it. Taking my time, doing what I feel is good and right. And its not as if I'm not looking forward to work - strangely enough, I feel ready and anticipatory.
To share one last vignette of life. Two nights ago at dinner, all of us around the table, under cheery yellow light, sharing food and the day's events. The cat curled up watchfully at the glass doors next to us. My family is complete and I felt utterly content.
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